A Bitter-sweet Symphony

A bit of a different post, apologies for the rant:

I must say that sometime I lack tact and talk over others.  This is at work and with friends.  It has been highlighted to me in my recent peer review feedback and is something that I am working on. Another thing I am working on is comments I make socially and on social media and the impact of those comments.  

I post a lot on Facebook, some are on how the kids are growing up, some are me just being me and a bit silly and others are requests for help with the challenge of looking after 3 kids on my own.  I have a life too.  Some people seem to think that I should be sat in the house every evening, even if the kids are asleep in their own beds.  

The "mums" have been great in helping me keep on Scouting.  Ruth would be distraught if I had of stopped it as she was when she had to stop Guiding due to her failing health.  Since September, 6 different people have helped me out on that front, thanks, Debbie, Nicola, Rob, Vicky, Emma & Lex.

I have joined a support group, again I see this as a positive thing.  All of the people I have met and spoken to via this have got kids, most work too.  The only time that like minded people can meet is therefore evenings and weekends.  To cover these, I have decided that I cannot use goodwill and am happily employing the services of a babysitter.  Unfortunately, someone has made the comment that they feel I should be staying at home with the kids.  Am I being unreasonable to ask to be out of the house 3 nights every fortnight for some stimulating adult company and conversation?  

I rely on MY mums (Geraldine & Barbara) a lot for support with childcare; which they do without any question.  Barbara (and Martin) are having the kids for the half term week.  This is giving me the opportunity to redo my bedroom, renewing furniture that is nearly 10 years old.  I am also getting the time to visit friends and go walking in Wales.  

I also got two things through the post today.  St Catherine's Hospice hold an annual remembrance service for loved ones in December, something I shall do with the kids.  The other was an email from MacMillan.  They are looking to become the charity of the year for Argos & Homebase's parent company Home Retail Group.  If you work for them, please vote and if you know anyone who does work for them, please mention it to them and make sure that they use their voice.

It is strange, I am sat here, 20 days since my last alcoholic drink and for the first time in 20 days I have not got the need to have a drink; please don't misunderstand this, I am not going sober all of the time!  I am looking forward to seeing friends on the 1st & 2nd November and having a beer (or two) with them.  

If anyone would like to donate to MacMillan they can do so (shameless plug coming) via my GoSober profile, or my good friend Rob Pullinger who suggested I did it!

www.gosober.org.uk/profile/anthonyhayllar

www.gosober.org.uk/profile/robpullinger

Until next time.  Best of health and luck.

Anthony.

Que Sera, Sera!

Everyone deals with things in different ways.  Grief is no different.  People who know me will know I keep things close to my chest but have a reasonably soft, squidgy centre (and not just the belly).  Emotions can and will bubble to the surface and I will be the first to admit I have a bit of a short temper which is just a bit shorter than it used to be.  

I mentioned in my last post, some 3 weeks ago that I had joined a support group called WAY, which is for the Widowed and Young.  Now this cuts out a massive part of society who are dealing with grief and loss, those who were 'just' boyfriend and girlfriend for a start.  I have a friend who falls into this section and they are just over a year since they lost their partner and finding it hard going for various reasons which are not mine to tell.

But there are some incredible people I have met online through this group, two of whom I have been fortunate enough to meet in person.  The first is a tenacious young lady who tragically lost their husband whilst they were pregnant and they have a strong mindset of not letting the world beat them.  The other lady is just over 2 years down the long road.  They're dealing with it in their own way; and to be honest that is the only way that I can deal with it too.

However I am not the only one to have suffered from Ruth's death.  There is her family, who to celebrate her birthday have released balloons, a really touching thing to do.  Then there are her (and my) 3 children.  Hope will not remember a thing unfortunately but at the moment that is also making things easier.  But with Isaac and Imogen (Imogen  more) you can see that they are missing her.  To this end I sat down with them at the end of last week and they asked to see a councillor.  I was in town, about to pop into St Catherines to arrange it and then the school rang.  "Hello Mr Hayllar, don't worry...."  Shit.  What's happened now? I thought, but "We have a vacancy with our play therapist and will have another coming up soon, would you be interested in Isaac & Imogen attending?"  So the intention is that Imogen will start now, Isaac when they can get him in.  

That brings me onto "Moving On".  Over the last few weeks, I have had a turbulent personal life but one thing has become clear.  You don't move on.  You accept the premis that you're alive and need to carry on living.  Does this mean you can't love again?  No it doesn't.  No two people are the same and you cannot compare them either.  But there needs to be an understanding that the past is there but it is that.  The past.  The future for me, who knows but one thing is certain Ruth lives on in her children and I cannot take that away from them.  Never.

I was also asked when I was going to change my Facebook status, which I have by the way, I am a Widower on Facebook but it is hidden so I have no status to the outside world.  I was also asked about my wedding ring.  That is staying firmly on my finger.  Technically I am no longer married but it is a part of me and I feel complete wearing it.  

So to end, to use the words of the mighty Doris Day, 

"Que Sera, Sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be"

Good night and sleep tight. xx

Anthony.