So, yesterday was talking about Day 0, today is logically the first day after Ruth died.  

There are many things that you say to your children that you don't want to; "Stop That!" probably being the number 1 offender.  However there is something that you never want to have to tell them and that is that their mother has died.  This was my task on the 21st June 2014.  I had been lent a book about Water Beetles and Dragonflies and this seemed to put it into a good context for me to help my kids understand. Isaac had stayed at his friends house overnight, so I went to pick him up and tell him.  His , reaction was that of total shock, then the tears.  Imogen too had stayed at a friends and she didn't come home until the afternoon.  I took her upstairs and seeing her face melt with the words that I was saying was, well, heartbreaking.

The next few days all seemed to blur into one.  All I can tell you is that the funeral was planned, financial affairs were started to be put into some sort of order (more about this at a later date) and life, well it just carried on.  Isaac went back to School on the Monday, then the Tuesday was his birthday.  Imogen & Hope went to the childminder as planned and then Imogen went to pre-school on the Wednesday.

Gradually the family migrated back westward, Martin first, then Jo and last but not least the fabulous Barbara.  I will talk about rocks of various types in my next post.  Until then, love to you all xx

I have decided that the best thing that I can do, for myself and the children and in the memory of Ruth, my wife to carry on this page.  I intend to write about how the kids are doing more than me, but this opening post from me is about one day, Day 0.  Lots of love, Anthony.

Everyone says I am doing well.  I hope I am and gradually things are getting back together.  A thick skin and a great smile put the illusion on that all is under control.  Getting the call from my boss to ring the hospice that your wife needs me urgently is not the call anyone should get. Less than 24 hours earlier Ruth was fine, well chatty and apparently over the funny turn she'd had earlier that day. Emotions ran wild, I grabbed my bag and ran for the door stopped briefly on the way out to tell the deputy manager I had to go. In the car I rang my mother in law and told her to go. I rang my mum and told her to go, I was stuck at a level crossing just outside Bognor Regis.  I screamed and cried and screamed to Ruth not to leave me, the journey back seemed to take hours. I got there, straight down the corridor with nurses looking at me as if the worst thing had happened and into the room I burst.  Ruth lay there motionless, silent but breathing.  Relief.  Then the tears. I held her close, talking to her. My mum and mother in law were there too. Emotions filled the room. Hours passed, a few friends popped in which was really nice (thanks Rob, Lex, Francis and Nicola). Ruth's dad arrived, Ruth's sister arrived.  Then she opened her eyes. It was a eerie stare no pain but full of fear. She needn't have felt scared. Around 10:30pm Ruth fell asleep and my world fell apart.

*** REMEMBERING RUTH *** TAUNTON EDITION ***

*** REMEMBERING RUTH *** TAUNTON EDITION ***
There will be a second celebration of Ruth's life on the 30th August between 4-6pm at St Andrews Church Hall in Taunton.

All friends and family are welcome.

It would be really nice if you have any photos to share of yourselves with Ruth at a young age (or older!), please write your name and where and when it was taken on the back - this can then be passed onto the children.

More information closer to the time, or contact Sharon Kinloch for anything more urgent.

We look forward to seeing you there, love from Ruth's Family.
xxx

From Mr Knitting - A day of very strong emotions.  I was absolutely bowled over to see so many friends, in some cases not seen for years by either Ruth or Myself.  Thanks for coming and making the day so special, The Uni friends, the Horsham friends, the Bucks, the Hayllars, the Church friends, the Guiding friends, the Scouting friends, the NCT friends, the Northern Rock friends and the Jungle Tot friends.  Plus anyone else who doesn't really fit into one of those boxes.  Rest in Peace Ruth, well if you can with that railway line running past the end of the field!

** REMEMBERING RUTH ** DETAILS OF WAKE / CELEBRATION OF RUTH'S LIFE **

** REMEMBERING RUTH **
The details for the Wake / Celebration of Ruth’s Life as follows:

11/7/14, 3-6pm at Maidenbower Community Centre, Harvest Road, Maidenbower, Crawley, RH107QH.

It is open to all friends and family of Ruth. There will be a memory book for your comments and photos (if you do please write your name on the back of the photos and where and when they were taken). This can then be given to Isaac, Imogen & Hope to help remember Ruth.

Tea / Coffee / Soft Drinks and Cake will be provided; there is no bar facility on site so please bring a bottle. 

(A cask of Ale will hopefully be provided).

It will be a child friendly afternoon so please feel free to bring them along, Ruth was keen for children to be there - there will be a few things laid on for them too; plus there is a park a couple of hundred yards away as well as large open spaces.

To give us some idea on numbers attending please drop an email to remembering.ruthhayllar@gmail.com .

I would like to thank Ruths friends for helping with the organisation and running of this event. A subsequent event will be held in Somerset during the summer, further details will be released once they are known.

Please feel free to share this message!

Thanks,

Anthony
(Ruths Husband)

Hi this is Anthony, Ruths Husband.  I must start with an apology.  I remembered the facebook page, mumsnet and twitter but I forgot the actual blog!

First the bad news : Ruth passed away on Friday 20th June.  She had family by her side and friends had been in to visit her throughout the day.  She was not in pain at all and did not suffer, which was very important for us and Ruth.  

Ruths funeral is going to be Friday 11th July at Clayton Wood Natural Burial Ground BN6 9PD.  It is on the A273 about 10 miles north of Brighton, a mile from Hassocks railway station with plenty of busses serving the area too.

All are welcome to come along and Ruth would have loved to see children there.  

It will be a colourful day however please refrain from flowers.  Ruth would have wanted dontations to goto the amazing people who supported her right to the end, namely St Catherines Hospice in Crawley and MacMillan Nurses.

The children (Isaac & Imogen) have been told and like myself and the rest of the family they are heartbroken.  This has all happened a lot quicker than was predicted and goes to show that cancer has a long way to go before we can beat it.  

I am really touched by the kind words everyone has been sending us.  I am planning a memory book, more details to follow on this.

If you have any questions, please just email me on anthonyhayllar@gmail.com.

Sleep tight and I will miss you Ruth. xxx

Love

Anthony.

(Long standing (of 12 years) husband)

Fun in the snow Jan 2013.  Horsted Keynes, Bluebell Railway.

Was I actually a statistic??

Since leaving hospital last week I have been pondering about what happened while I was in hospital and whether things actually worked how I expected them too.

Let me explain that a bit better. 

I was admitted to A&E, and moved to the Acute Medical Unit, then a general ward and finally a gastroentrological surgical ward. Sounds OK, those were the problems I had and have. 

But here is the cruncher, I am also a cancer patient. I never felt like I was being treated as a cancer patient. The Consultant that I saw was not an oncologist, I am not even sure if they were used to dealing with cancer patients, or whether cancer was something that they were using in their diagnosis, treatment plans or ongoing care plans. 

I don't even think I should have been discharged from the hospital. I have to think that they should have been helping me look at long term options as I do not feel any better than I felt on discharge last week and the hospital should maybe have done more to look into the type of care I am going for now. 

Where does this fault lie. Not every NHS trust can have specialist cancer services. Services in this part of the country feel very spread out. When I was admitted where should I have gone? Would I have been better being admitted to Royal Surrey where they have the cancer specialists and wards to provide better care for oncology patients? Would I have ended up with better 'holistic' treatment? 

I don't know, I am not an NHS commissioning manager or who ever makes these kid of decisions. But what I do know is some of the decisions I have made over the last week have been incredibly hard and have almost been made more difficult because of some of the levels of care I did or didn't receive when I was in hospital.