Goodbye and thanks for all...

The crap that you have inflicted on me over the last 6 months. 


If you are wondering what on earth I am talking about today is a day for celebrating. 


This morning I took my last handful of chemotherapy tablets which looked like this

and was looking forward to a morning 'bragging' about the fact that I no longer had to take chemotherapy. However things didn't quite go according to plan. As we were leaving the house to take Isaac to preschool he vomited all over the garden path so instead of having some adult conversation and lots of pats on the back I spent today watching this Thomas the Tank Engine film, which I can almost recite word for word and am planning on going on Mastermind with it as one of my specialist subjects and also a lot of cbeebies. 


The thing with Isaac and being sick is he seems to have 6 hour bugs. After the vomit he had a sleep any by 1pm was back to normal, demanding to do cooking, play on my iPad and building the Island of Sodor all over my living room floor. 


However this enforced sojourn at home gave me some time to reflect on my chemotherapy experience. 


The overwhelming feeling I have at the moment is a strange one. I feel like a bit of a failure and have been beating myself up over the fact that I couldn't tolerate more Oxaliplatin. I know I managed 4 sessions, but I was supposed to have 8. Ultimately I had to think of my children and the impact that the chemotherapy was having on them but I can't help thinking that if (or when, depending on what mood I am in) cancer comes back I will be thinking if I had continued the 'poxy oxi' would it have been better? 


Overall I have been very lucky and have not lost any of my hair, but there are worse side effects than that. 


I am still suffering some of the oxaliplatin side effects.Tonight I took a bag of chips out of the freezer and dropped them because my fingers went all tingly and numb. On top of that my hands and feet are raw and cracked and no amount of cocoa butter and cotton gloves and socks can sort out. Since January I have gone through 3 tubes of Norwegian Formula handcream and still I have splits all over my thumbs and fingers, but I still have to get on with it. Add into that the fact that walking feels like walking on glass unless I have insoles in my boots. 


And don't even get me started on the unpredictability of my bowels and the fact that this could be post surgery 'settling down' or a capcetibine side effect or some other thing that I hadn't even contemplated. 


I think my potty trained daughter sums it up best. Whenever she sits on the potty or the toilet do do a poo she tells me




'Big, Big  Scary  POO  mummy'

March madness

Wow, March already. In knitting novice news - the 29th signalled my last trip to Guildford. I saw my consultant and despite having felt shocking for the last few days I was still healthy enough to have chemotherapy. I finall talked to him about what happens next. He said I would receive an appointment for a CT scan and then would have a follow up. When I told him I already had a date for a follow up he was slightly confused but said that as long as my CT scan is before the follow up then it will be fine.
In knitting news - after almost 2 years I finally finished my bobble cushions from this book and have started a new project...... 12 knitted boobs from this blog for a breastfeeding counsellor friend of mine. So far, 2 down, 10 to go. In family news - littlest novice survived to her 2nd birthday and we celebrated in style with a trip to Drusllas zoo including a ride on Thomas the Tank Engine and some feeding of Lorrikeets.

2nd Children

I have recently finished re reading 'Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother' by Amy Chua (Here on Amazon) and started analysing my own parenting style.


This in turn led me to wonder whether second children have it easier or harder than first born's?


With your first you are muddling along and let them do everything at their own pace, you read everything you can about parenting and all the contentious topics to make sure that you are doing the best for your offspring. 


How does it work with the second?


I can only go on my own experience but they do have a rougher ride than number one. You can't devote 100% attention to them any more so they have to fit in with whatever is happening. Here are a couple of examples:


1. With Isaac, I knew when he would nap as a baby. I never tried to get him into a routine but he developed one and would nap at fairly regular times everyday from about 4 months old. With Imogen I still have no idea when she will nap. When she was tiny she would fall asleep after feeding or in the car or whenever she felt like it. For a long time she would fall asleep on me and if I tried to put her down she would wake up. Even now I know she will fall asleep in the afternoon - sometimes it can be straight after lunch (like today she was asleep by 1pm and slept for almost 90 minutes), other times she might not fall asleep until 3pm and sleep for 45 minutes. Someday's she won't sleep at all and then will snuggle in and have a 20 minute power nap between 6 and 7pm and still go into bed after bath time and fall asleep fairly quickly.
2. I have increasingly found myself getting frustrated with Imogen when I ask her to do something because Isaac will do as he is told. I have to keep reminding myself that she is still not quite 2 and that I would not have expected Isaac to do what I am asking her. I'm not bragging when I say she is bright for her age, but I must remember that she is almost 2, not almost 3 as it seems sometimes with her behaviour.


However sometimes I find her a lot easier to 'parent' and wonder why this is. My thoughts are thus:


With Isaac I am still experiencing everything for the first time, so I have no experience to base it on. With Imogen I have already 'been there, done that, got the ...' and so when she does something it is not so much of a novelty. This doesn't mean that she doesn't still shock me. 


Last Wednesday she announced 'big girl pants now mummy' and although I had no intention of potty training until I had finished chemotherapy I would like to brag that in the last year I have potty trained two children, and here is where my parenting approach differs. With Isaac and potty training, as you will know I found it very frustrating. I stayed in for 4 days before venturing out of the house and would religiously take him to the toilet every 30 minutes. With Imogen we put her in knickers on Thursday and went out for the day!!! I took her to the toilet 3 times during the day and she performed on cue each time. Since then we have not had a day in the house. We have been out everyday and I have taken her to the toilet when I have remembered. In the house she will go to the potty and wee. 


So, what is my point here? I think the point that I am trying to make is that as your first child grows up you are still experiencing everything for the first time and so you are constantly learning. With your second or subsequent child(ren) you have the experience and patience to allow them to be more independent and you can draw on your greater parenting knowledge to enforce that. it doesn't mean sometimes you will expect things from them that they are not capable of it does mean you can be more analytical and hopefully consistent in your parenting approach.

Foolproof fudge

After the excitement of about 3inches of snow this morning, i have found something even better.
My mum makes amazing fudge and i have never been able to replicate it. Yesterday while going through some old magazines i found yet another fudge recipe and thought i'd save it for a rainy day. This was thwarted today as Mr hayllar decided he wanted millionaire shortbread, as he was going to the supermarket i ordered the fudge ingredients and thought i'd give it a shot.
So chocolate and condensed milk mixed and melted, icing sugar added then into the fridge. 2 hours later yummy chocolate fudge.

Now just need to let the chocolate for the millionaire shortbread!!!

Paranoid Android

Wow, this weeks feels like it has been so busy.


Monday I had a follow up with my consultant at East Surrey. I know the NHS is free, but I waited almost 75 minutes after my appointment time to go in. Luckily I didn't have the children with me, otherwise I think we would have gone stir crazy. 
I have to admit something now. Since November when I went back into hospital with the adhesion/blockage, I have been paranoid about what is going on inside me. And not just me, with the children as well. Someone on a well known parenting forum linked to this and I have been over analysing everything since. Particularly with them, I am so worried about them and especially the likelihood of them getting cancer in the future and it all being down to me and my crappy, faulty genes. It was good to see my surgeon and hear yet again how well I was looking and talk to him about the over analysis I am doing and the paranoia I feel about everytime something is a little different I worry about having to come back into hospital again. I never used to worry about going into hospital but having been in so often and having to go for chemotherapy has really made me, not scared about being readmitted, but annoyed more than anything that this cancer has taken over once again and I am not in control. 
He was very reassuring, and helped me realise that things are probably not going to be normal for a while and it is usual to be overanxious, especially given the fact that I had been readmitted. 
It has also forced me to reassess some of the things I do and more specifically my sedentary lifestyle. 
This Blog is written by a friend of mine, who I really admire for putting this on the internet and chronicling everything. It has inspired me to unearth the Wii Fit board and associated game and also start back with my yoga practice. Its also made me look at my diet and I realise that I need to set a better example to the children. After all how can I expect them to eat things that I don't. So I have started feeding them, and hence me, more fruit and veg. 
I have realised that I do actually enjoy the taste of fresh, seasonal produce and can make a real difference to my health if I continue with this. 
In other news, I am due to have chemotherapy number 7 on Wednesday, which means that after the obligatory 2 weeks of tablets I will have one left. That last one falls 2 days after Imogens 2nd Birthday. 


I can't quite believe how far I have come. When I think back to October and having my birthday, PICC line inserted and first chemotherapy session all in one week, I look at where I am now and know that this blasted disease has made me a stronger, determiend person who is assessing what they want from the next few years of their life. 


Watch this space!!!!

Another finished project

Just thought I'd show you these.

From knitting for dummies, the simple socks. I love the ease of the pattern, but not the way its written.

Next up.... Finishing the cube cushion

Be loud, be clear

This week is all about raising awareness about bowel cancer. Reading other peoples blog posts on this made me wonder how long I have been living with this without knowing. This post is going to look back over the last few years and point out some of what I believe were indicators which I ignored, or put down to other things. Let's go back almost 2 years to when I gave birth to Imogen. Something wasn't right in my nether regions. I can vividly remember going to my 6 week postnatal check and telling the doctor I felt that everytme I opened my bowels it felt like I was passing a hedgehog. That is the best way to describe some of the pain I was in. Sometimes it would take a long time to come and the pain would be quite long lasting. One time on the way to Somerset to visit my family I went to the toilet at Fleet and was still in pain when we left the A303 and joined the A358. For those of you whose geography is not to good, that's about 2 hours of pain. Not excruciating, unbearable pain, but the kind of niggling pain that you are aware of. Going back to the 6 week postnatal check, the GP had a look (not something I enjoy,but something I have experienced a lot over the last 2 years) and diagnosed simple piles. The solution - lactulose. This is supposed to work by softening your stools making them easier to pass. It did, but there was still pain. So I went back to the GP. Saw a different GP this time. I remember him being impressed with Imogen's sucking blister as she was about 10-12 weeks old. He was also impressed I was still breast feeding. But that is a whole other story. He had a look (see not even 6 months in and 2 people have had a look!!). He diagnosed a rectal tear and pescribed a rectal ointment which gave me incredible headaches about 25 minutes after applying, not good when you have a not yet 2 year old and maybe 3 month old baby. The rectal appointment worked, but I had to use it for about 6 weeks so kept on going back for repeat prescriptions. Now I am wondering whether the intermittant bleeding might have been an early warning sign. To be frank here this probe has been around for the last two years and in the end I tarted to just accept that I would get a bit constipated, pass some very painful stools and then things would clear up. Over the remainder of 2010 things settled then flared up and the settled down again. Towards the end of 2010 or the start of 2011 I spoke to my little sister, who was training to be a nurse about that fact that sometimes I would be constipated in the morning, but have unbelievably loose bowels in the evening. At the time she saidnothing. Since then she has said that it did raise some red flags for her, but she was dealing with her own issues at the time. Following our car crash in February, I started too notice a few other health problems. 1. I was loosing weight. Not massive weight dropping off me but enough that some of my clothes were starting to get lose. Several people commented on it. I assumed it was down to the fact that I was walking a lot and eating healthily with 2 toddlers to encourage to eat. 2. I was getting dizy spells. Sometimes when I stood up too quickly which is common if your blood pssure is low. However these were not exclusive events. Sometimes I would almost black out when hanging the washing out, or standingat the hob. Another thing that was not ideal with 2 young children. 3. Stomach and bowel problem were getting worse. Not only was I having constipation and loose stools in the same day at least one every couple of weeks, but the stomach pains that went with them were immense. I would be doubled over Iain. A couple of people have asked how I knew they weren't period pains.lets leave it with as a woman you know. 4. Finally the breathlessness. Pushing a pushchair with two toddlers is hard enough work, but I remember taking the children to Wakehurst and being absolutely exhausted so much so that they fell asleep in the car and whe we got home I fell asleep in the car too. Towards the end of May things came to a head on camp with Anthony's scout troop. I was camping with two toddlers at the tool of a massive hill and had horrendous diarrhoea and vommitting. But still I put off going to the GP. Eventually after another 6 weeks I finally managed to get a child free day and a doctors appointment on the same day. The outstanding diagnosis - low blood pressure and come back for blood tests next week. I never made it to those blood tests, by then I had been admitted to hospital and was causing a lot of medical professionals a headache. So, in hindsight, what would I have done? It seems such a easy thing to say but I would have badgered my GP. I would have gone every month and made a fuss about the pain I was in, the discomfort I was experiencing and I would not have taken no for an answer. If I knew the what I know now about bowel cancer and complications I would have lived at my GP surgery until I got investigations and knew why things were so bad. What do I want you to do? If there is anything worrying you about your bowel habits please go to the GP. Yes it might be cancer, but it moght not and if it is you want it caught it early so you don't go through the uncertainty that it have over the last 6 months.