An apology

I realise that I have been very quiet on here since I got the all clear at the beginning of last month.


I could make excuses for this but to be honest I have been reflecting. 


I was able to access some counselling to help me come to terms with the way I reacted to being diagnosed with cancer and the way that others reacted through The Olive Tree and this has led to me doing some serious thinking about where I want to go with the rest of my life. 


I have realised that life is 'finite' and that I will forever be living with the fear that the cancer will return and I don't want to regret things. 


I already have regrets but there is nothing I can do to readdress this so I need to make the most of the future. 


I was going to sign up for the Cancer Research Race for Life, but my 2 local ones are at 7.30pm. I have a husband who works nights and 2 toddlers, how was that ever going to work? Instead I have several friends who are doing it (Here is one of their Just Giving Pages) and I would love it if people could sponsor them.


Instead Tony and I are in talks to do something next year for the 3 charities that have supported my virtually over the last year - Beating Bowel Cancer, Macmillan & The Olive Tree. 

Sounds clandestine, but we have not finalised what we want to do yet, but there will be something..watch this space.

Take that Bowel Cancer

So its true, I am in remission. The CT scan showed nothing there, the blood I had taken before the last lot of chemotherapy showed normal tumour markers and everything can gradually return to normal. 


Except things are not normal. As I mentioned before there is the paranoia that I am carrying the faultyy gene and so could be rediagnosed at any time. 


Then there is the bowel stuff. I have not known anything like it - I can veer from blocked to loose in the course of a day.


I addressed this with the consultant yesterday. Although I have asked my surgeon & my oncologist several times if there is anything I should be avoiding or including in my diet the answers have always been there is nothing you should cut out.


Speaking to the consultant yesterday and discussing (like an adult without being embarassed or sniggering) she suggested that it might be worth cutting out 'healthy food'. So things that you eat because they are good for you like muesli, wholemeal bread & pasta, and seeds and pulses should be cut out to see if it has an impact on your regularity. 


Now I have already reduced my caffeine intake. Every 3 to 4 weeks I think 'oh I really want a coffee, it can't be that bad' and then my stomach & intestines remind me why I am cutting it out (Decaff has the same effect). Funny enough I can drink tea though. 


So once the current muesli packet is finished I shall be looking for a new breakfast cereal. 

Follow Ups

So today is 'F' day and to cap it off I hardly slept at all last night.


I know I should be being positive but yesterday I got my latest Beating Bowel Cancer update and reading it just set my mind racing.


The worst thing about this is the loss of control. I cannot control whether or not the cancer chooses to come back. I can alter my diet, change my fitness habits and follow all the government health advice (some of it very contradictory) but nothing will change the fact that I ultimately have no control over what is going on.


So today, like every other day, I have to suck it up, put a positive spin on things because I think if people knew what was really going on in my head and heart and the amount of time I spend in tears or near tears about the uncontrollable they would be horrified

Resoutions

Now most people have made their resolutions and broken them by the 2nd of January. However I promised myself at the start of the year that I wouldn't make or indeed break any resolutions until I was free of chemotherapy.
I suppose technically that was 14th March, the day I took my last handful of tablets, but I haven't felt like I am free of anything just yet
You see that's the thing about Cancer. It is now a permanent part of my life. I will forever be concerned that it will come back. I know plenty or people go on to live a long and healthy life and never have to deal with it again. I also know people who knock one type of cancer on the head and then have to deal with another and another and another.
I cannot say into which camp I will fall as I am still in the processing mode I have had part one of my follow up which was yet another CT scan, and on Tuesday I see my oncologist to confirm I am all clear.
Honestly I cannot see past that date at the moment. It will be at Crawley Hospital which is the same place I was when I was told that it was cancer, where I had to go to have my PICC line flushed & where there is a lot of negativity for me. Its not as bad as East Surrey which will forever be associated with the surgery and readmissions, or Royal Surrey where I had all the 'poxy oxi'
So until Tuesday life is still on hold, although there are crafty goings on, including purple prickles for a Gruffalo Costume...photos to follow

Goodbye and thanks for all...

The crap that you have inflicted on me over the last 6 months. 


If you are wondering what on earth I am talking about today is a day for celebrating. 


This morning I took my last handful of chemotherapy tablets which looked like this

and was looking forward to a morning 'bragging' about the fact that I no longer had to take chemotherapy. However things didn't quite go according to plan. As we were leaving the house to take Isaac to preschool he vomited all over the garden path so instead of having some adult conversation and lots of pats on the back I spent today watching this Thomas the Tank Engine film, which I can almost recite word for word and am planning on going on Mastermind with it as one of my specialist subjects and also a lot of cbeebies. 


The thing with Isaac and being sick is he seems to have 6 hour bugs. After the vomit he had a sleep any by 1pm was back to normal, demanding to do cooking, play on my iPad and building the Island of Sodor all over my living room floor. 


However this enforced sojourn at home gave me some time to reflect on my chemotherapy experience. 


The overwhelming feeling I have at the moment is a strange one. I feel like a bit of a failure and have been beating myself up over the fact that I couldn't tolerate more Oxaliplatin. I know I managed 4 sessions, but I was supposed to have 8. Ultimately I had to think of my children and the impact that the chemotherapy was having on them but I can't help thinking that if (or when, depending on what mood I am in) cancer comes back I will be thinking if I had continued the 'poxy oxi' would it have been better? 


Overall I have been very lucky and have not lost any of my hair, but there are worse side effects than that. 


I am still suffering some of the oxaliplatin side effects.Tonight I took a bag of chips out of the freezer and dropped them because my fingers went all tingly and numb. On top of that my hands and feet are raw and cracked and no amount of cocoa butter and cotton gloves and socks can sort out. Since January I have gone through 3 tubes of Norwegian Formula handcream and still I have splits all over my thumbs and fingers, but I still have to get on with it. Add into that the fact that walking feels like walking on glass unless I have insoles in my boots. 


And don't even get me started on the unpredictability of my bowels and the fact that this could be post surgery 'settling down' or a capcetibine side effect or some other thing that I hadn't even contemplated. 


I think my potty trained daughter sums it up best. Whenever she sits on the potty or the toilet do do a poo she tells me




'Big, Big  Scary  POO  mummy'

March madness

Wow, March already. In knitting novice news - the 29th signalled my last trip to Guildford. I saw my consultant and despite having felt shocking for the last few days I was still healthy enough to have chemotherapy. I finall talked to him about what happens next. He said I would receive an appointment for a CT scan and then would have a follow up. When I told him I already had a date for a follow up he was slightly confused but said that as long as my CT scan is before the follow up then it will be fine.
In knitting news - after almost 2 years I finally finished my bobble cushions from this book and have started a new project...... 12 knitted boobs from this blog for a breastfeeding counsellor friend of mine. So far, 2 down, 10 to go. In family news - littlest novice survived to her 2nd birthday and we celebrated in style with a trip to Drusllas zoo including a ride on Thomas the Tank Engine and some feeding of Lorrikeets.

2nd Children

I have recently finished re reading 'Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother' by Amy Chua (Here on Amazon) and started analysing my own parenting style.


This in turn led me to wonder whether second children have it easier or harder than first born's?


With your first you are muddling along and let them do everything at their own pace, you read everything you can about parenting and all the contentious topics to make sure that you are doing the best for your offspring. 


How does it work with the second?


I can only go on my own experience but they do have a rougher ride than number one. You can't devote 100% attention to them any more so they have to fit in with whatever is happening. Here are a couple of examples:


1. With Isaac, I knew when he would nap as a baby. I never tried to get him into a routine but he developed one and would nap at fairly regular times everyday from about 4 months old. With Imogen I still have no idea when she will nap. When she was tiny she would fall asleep after feeding or in the car or whenever she felt like it. For a long time she would fall asleep on me and if I tried to put her down she would wake up. Even now I know she will fall asleep in the afternoon - sometimes it can be straight after lunch (like today she was asleep by 1pm and slept for almost 90 minutes), other times she might not fall asleep until 3pm and sleep for 45 minutes. Someday's she won't sleep at all and then will snuggle in and have a 20 minute power nap between 6 and 7pm and still go into bed after bath time and fall asleep fairly quickly.
2. I have increasingly found myself getting frustrated with Imogen when I ask her to do something because Isaac will do as he is told. I have to keep reminding myself that she is still not quite 2 and that I would not have expected Isaac to do what I am asking her. I'm not bragging when I say she is bright for her age, but I must remember that she is almost 2, not almost 3 as it seems sometimes with her behaviour.


However sometimes I find her a lot easier to 'parent' and wonder why this is. My thoughts are thus:


With Isaac I am still experiencing everything for the first time, so I have no experience to base it on. With Imogen I have already 'been there, done that, got the ...' and so when she does something it is not so much of a novelty. This doesn't mean that she doesn't still shock me. 


Last Wednesday she announced 'big girl pants now mummy' and although I had no intention of potty training until I had finished chemotherapy I would like to brag that in the last year I have potty trained two children, and here is where my parenting approach differs. With Isaac and potty training, as you will know I found it very frustrating. I stayed in for 4 days before venturing out of the house and would religiously take him to the toilet every 30 minutes. With Imogen we put her in knickers on Thursday and went out for the day!!! I took her to the toilet 3 times during the day and she performed on cue each time. Since then we have not had a day in the house. We have been out everyday and I have taken her to the toilet when I have remembered. In the house she will go to the potty and wee. 


So, what is my point here? I think the point that I am trying to make is that as your first child grows up you are still experiencing everything for the first time and so you are constantly learning. With your second or subsequent child(ren) you have the experience and patience to allow them to be more independent and you can draw on your greater parenting knowledge to enforce that. it doesn't mean sometimes you will expect things from them that they are not capable of it does mean you can be more analytical and hopefully consistent in your parenting approach.