About this Blog

This blog started as an online diary and place for me to rant about annoyances in my family.

However since July it has become a place for me to catalogue and express my views and opinions on the treatment I have recieved following the diagnosis of a potentially cancerous tumor in my bowel.

On 3rd August 2011 I was told that it was cancerous. In April 2012 I was given the all clear.

October 15th 2013 I was diagnosed with peritoneal disease and liver metastases. The cancer was back and this time it is inoperable.

It is a little bit out of date as the NHS doesn't tend to have a WiFi connection in hospital and I can only post when I get home and posts take a while to write.

It is NOT about individuals or the nursing profession. It is about some of the inadequacies in the system and the way the NHS is failing some people.

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Tuesday, 23 October 2012


I have never been what you would call ambitious. I have always felt like I have fallen into things. 

When I went to University my main criteria was to get as far away from home as possible. I ignored courses that I may have been better suited too and instead went as far away as possible. This worked out well in some ways, I met Tony and made some amazing friends. But I didn't end up doing the course I wanted to do (Marine Biology) & ended up with a degree, that although I learnt a lot of new things, didn't really lead to a career that I wanted. 

Then there was work. When I graduated I was working nights at Woolworths (now defunct). I happened to see an advert in the paper for call centre staff at Northern Rock (now defunct) and the rest is history. But I didn't want to work in banking. I did what I had to do to hit targets, and train staff but I wasn't an ambitious corporate type. When I moved south, it was even worse. I applied for and was the successful applicant for a managers position. I'll be honest I am a terrible manager. I need support & training to become a manager. Being thrown in at the deep end, having never worked in a branch before was tough and led to a nervous breakdown. I was far more comfortable as a Mortgage Advisor but I still didn't love my job.

Honestly, I was relieved when I was made redundant while on Maternity Leave with Imogen. The thought of another 30 years of doing something I didn't love was starting to get me down.

Being a mum has been incredibly fulfilling, but I am starting to want to be more than just mummy. I love being at home with the children, but as they get older I need to have conversations about something other than potty training, eating, tantrums etc. 

This leads to me to the point of this post. I had a job interview last week. I was asked 'What are your ambitions?' It made me realise that I don't have any.

The more I think about it the more I realise that the reason I don't have any ambitions is because I am scared. Scared I might find the thing that I really want to do and then CANCER might come back. Scared that the thing I end up loving will be taken away by CANCER. 

I don't want to blame CANCER & I hate that I am living in fear like this. Even writing this I am in tears because people tell me that I have been so strong over the last year and a bit and here I am admitting a major weakness. I have no ambitions because I am scared that CANCER will come back and take away what I have. 

So in the meantime I have found some thing I am good at. I am bust volunteering, building up some experiences and skills to add to my CV so that when I feel up to it I can say 

'I may have had CANCER, I may have been a stay at home mum, but I have worked hard to get some new skills to make me a person you want to employ'