The ultimate rollercoaster

No need to spend extortionate amounts of cash on days out to theme parks, no queuing, no bank loans needed for food. 

Does this sound like something for you?

If so you need CANCER in your life.

I can honestly say that this week I have gone from the biggest highs to one of the lowest points of my cancer journey.

We'll start with the highs. 

After a very lazy day on Monday with Hope and I just chilling and catching up on some sky plus, I accomplished a lot on Tuesday and Wednesday. This was not without its pitfalls. The trip to IKEA on Tuesday was more costly than I was anticipating, but toys need to be stored and I really want to create my rogues gallery of school photos. 

Wednesdays playroom decluttering and decorating was immensely rewarding, although there are still a couple of bits of the mural that need completing. Once it is done I will post a photo on here. 

Even Thursday and Friday left me with a sense that I had achieved something. Admittedly only rearranging a few bits and pieces in the kitchen and rediscovering my love of the bread maker. But these two accomplishments would not have been possible without the lovely people who organised and invited my children and me to Halloween activities meaning I didn't have to focus on ensuring the children were entertained. 

Today however has been a rock bottom moment.

I'm going to talk about it here, where everyone can read it and where people can share it, because I want thoughtless people to realise that cancer is an invisible disease and just because I may look normal on the outside I am anything but on the inside and your comments are really hurtful.

The morning started like most Saturdays as we made the shopping list before heading to Sainsbury's. For a change I had had a reasonable nights sleep (about 5 hours all in). My tummy was feeling a little tender and unsettled but hey what's new!

As we were going round Sainsbury's it became clear that the tummy tenderness was more than normal and with some urgency I needed to go. Luckily we were very near the toilets and as I pushed the trolley towards Tony and headed away I could feel things already starting to move. 

I very quickly walked through a checkout and headed towards the toilets overtaking two young people who were heading the same way. 

I made it to the cubicle sat down, and let go. I couldn't help it. It was noisy, it was unpleasant, I was doubled over in pain. 

Then I heard the door open to the toilets. The two young people I had passed earlier had come into the ladies. No problems normally. It's a toilet.

I am not going to repeat exactly what was said by these two girls, as the language was obscene. But it went along these lines.

'It f'ing stinks in here'
'Why can't people do that at home'

Then as I let rip again (I can't control it) 

'OMG, they are still in here, how f'ing disgusting'

Then the door went and I imagine they left.

Now, not only am I doubled over in pain and farting like a trooper I am also sobbing with embarrassment, because I genuinely have no control over this.

This is not the first time I have encountered issues in the toilets. I have had someone knock on a cubicle door and tell me to f'ing hurry up because people are waiting. That time when I went in there was no queue & as I left I apologised that my inoperable stomach cancer was inconveniencing her, but she might like to spare a thought for my 3 under 5's who have to live with a mummy going through this and the thought that one day my consultant might tell me there is nothing else he can do. 

So, why am I telling you this. I am embarrassed about this. I am mortified that I almost soiled myself in Sainsbury's due to my condition.

Because the next time someone is taking a long time in the toilet, or there is a queue or an unpleasant smell bare in mind that the bowel and stomach illnesses are invisible.  The size 10 (mostly) well dressed mum dealing with 2 exuberant children and an adorable 6.5month old is also battling stomach cramps that leave her unable to stand up straight, have her wincing in pain when she carries her baby and has a stomach that churns so much it feels like a washing machine spin cycle.

Maybe I should use the disabled toilets, I certainly am considering it, but would I then face the backlash of not 'being disabled'.

The aging process

Tomorrow will be the 34th anniversary of my birth. Yep, with crappy timing my birthday has rolled around again.

Last years day was pretty awesome. We took the children and 10 week old bump to Disneyland Paris to meet Mickey Mouse and generally have fun and experience something new. This included quite a lot of train spotting, luckily our accommodation was close to a railway line and learning lots of new words especially Pomme for Apple.

The year before, 2011, I'd been diagnosed with the cancer and had my date for chemo starting which was 2 days after my birthday. So my actual birthday was spent with some friends enjoying the last of the sunshine before 2 days of PICC lines and oxaliplatin infusions. 

This year I fear will be another wash out. 

I had my endoscopy on Friday 27th, actually I kind of had 2. I opted initially to not be sedated and have the local anaesthetic. I thought I coped remarkably well with the tube being put in and did not have to much gagging or choking. However when it came to it I just could not tolerate it for too long, so the tube had to be withdrawn and I had to be cannulated and sedated. 

It turns out that there was still a lot of fluid in my stomach despite not eating or drinking anything for more than the prescribed time. 

I have to say the local anaesthetic is nasty, it is supposed to taste like banana. If that was my first taste of banana, I'd never have it again. It burns and tastes most unpleasant, but it does numb your throat and makes you dribble everywhere!

After a short time in recovery we saw the consultant. Finally I was going to get some answers.  Or not. 

There is an area of inflammation in my stomach, which he has sampled and sent off for histology. In order to investigate further I will need yet another CT scan. 

Since the endoscopy I have been in almost constant abdominal and back pain. Now I know that there is inflammation in my stomach I can't take anymore NSAIDS, so ibuprofen is out for pain relief and I am relying on trusty paracetamol and constipating cocodamol.

The last few nights have been so bad I have managed about 3 hours sleep a night. 

So, with all this behind and in front of me, I am not looking forward to tomorrow as a special day, but as one more day towards answers.