Back to reality with a bump.

My aim throughout all my diagnosis, treatment and complications is to keep things as normal as possible for the sake of my children. So today has been all about being normal.

Tony is working away this week, so my mum is staying again, but we still took Isaac to school this morning. It's funny in the playground. I stand and look at the mums, dads, carers and other people and wonder if they realise how lucky they are to know that they aren't living with the ticking time bomb inside of me. Most people have no idea about what I am living with. There are a few who do, but how do you introduce something like cancer, chemo and spending the weekend as an emergency admission in hospital into the conversation?

Simply speaking, you don't and you can't. So most of these people assume I spent the weekend with my family, doing normal things like shopping or having lunch out. 

So after dropping Isaac at school, we headed home to wave daddy off on his trip. But before that another unexpected turn up for the books. 

I am fast starting to recognise that community is not dead and this was proved as another local childminder who picks up and drops off at school and walks past my front door to do that came to offer here services if ever I needed help with Isaac. This was out of the blue, this was amazing and just reinforces the sense of community that exists when local people live, work and socialise locally. You know who you are, THANK YOU.

So, daddy has gone to work, and Imogen is a bit wriggley but she's 3 what do you expect?

Actually not the thing we are dealing with now. Turns out she has a UTI. After several visits to the loo and an unfortunate accident I call the GP and eventually fathom out that no, I can't just make an appointment for her today or tomorrow. I have to wait for a call back from the duty dr and maybe go to the other surgery. I have school runs and parent teacher meetings today so ask for a call back no earlier than 4. The DR calls my mobile and doesn't say anything, so I get home from picking Isaac up and find that the Dr has spoken to mum, confirmed a UTI and arranged a prescription for me to pick up from my surgery. Great, not quite as easy as that, the pharmacy near the GP & my local pharmacy don't have the antibiotic in stock, so a quick trip to Sainsbury's is in order for Imogen's new medicine. 

In and around that, there was the parent teacher consultation. I am so proud of how Isaac copes with everything he has had thrown at him in his short life and his is reflected in the comments his teacher gave me. She was positive and supportive and also told me how I can push him that little bit more.

So there is my normal day...

School run, UTI, parent teacher consultations. With a background of teething Hope and the one hiccup that occurred over the weekend a broken washing machine. Let's hope Imogen can find the potty in the night and we have enough disposable nappies to last until the machine is fixed.

Ohh, and the hospital manicure....ruined!!

The ultimate rollercoaster

No need to spend extortionate amounts of cash on days out to theme parks, no queuing, no bank loans needed for food. 

Does this sound like something for you?

If so you need CANCER in your life.

I can honestly say that this week I have gone from the biggest highs to one of the lowest points of my cancer journey.

We'll start with the highs. 

After a very lazy day on Monday with Hope and I just chilling and catching up on some sky plus, I accomplished a lot on Tuesday and Wednesday. This was not without its pitfalls. The trip to IKEA on Tuesday was more costly than I was anticipating, but toys need to be stored and I really want to create my rogues gallery of school photos. 

Wednesdays playroom decluttering and decorating was immensely rewarding, although there are still a couple of bits of the mural that need completing. Once it is done I will post a photo on here. 

Even Thursday and Friday left me with a sense that I had achieved something. Admittedly only rearranging a few bits and pieces in the kitchen and rediscovering my love of the bread maker. But these two accomplishments would not have been possible without the lovely people who organised and invited my children and me to Halloween activities meaning I didn't have to focus on ensuring the children were entertained. 

Today however has been a rock bottom moment.

I'm going to talk about it here, where everyone can read it and where people can share it, because I want thoughtless people to realise that cancer is an invisible disease and just because I may look normal on the outside I am anything but on the inside and your comments are really hurtful.

The morning started like most Saturdays as we made the shopping list before heading to Sainsbury's. For a change I had had a reasonable nights sleep (about 5 hours all in). My tummy was feeling a little tender and unsettled but hey what's new!

As we were going round Sainsbury's it became clear that the tummy tenderness was more than normal and with some urgency I needed to go. Luckily we were very near the toilets and as I pushed the trolley towards Tony and headed away I could feel things already starting to move. 

I very quickly walked through a checkout and headed towards the toilets overtaking two young people who were heading the same way. 

I made it to the cubicle sat down, and let go. I couldn't help it. It was noisy, it was unpleasant, I was doubled over in pain. 

Then I heard the door open to the toilets. The two young people I had passed earlier had come into the ladies. No problems normally. It's a toilet.

I am not going to repeat exactly what was said by these two girls, as the language was obscene. But it went along these lines.

'It f'ing stinks in here'
'Why can't people do that at home'

Then as I let rip again (I can't control it) 

'OMG, they are still in here, how f'ing disgusting'

Then the door went and I imagine they left.

Now, not only am I doubled over in pain and farting like a trooper I am also sobbing with embarrassment, because I genuinely have no control over this.

This is not the first time I have encountered issues in the toilets. I have had someone knock on a cubicle door and tell me to f'ing hurry up because people are waiting. That time when I went in there was no queue & as I left I apologised that my inoperable stomach cancer was inconveniencing her, but she might like to spare a thought for my 3 under 5's who have to live with a mummy going through this and the thought that one day my consultant might tell me there is nothing else he can do. 

So, why am I telling you this. I am embarrassed about this. I am mortified that I almost soiled myself in Sainsbury's due to my condition.

Because the next time someone is taking a long time in the toilet, or there is a queue or an unpleasant smell bare in mind that the bowel and stomach illnesses are invisible.  The size 10 (mostly) well dressed mum dealing with 2 exuberant children and an adorable 6.5month old is also battling stomach cramps that leave her unable to stand up straight, have her wincing in pain when she carries her baby and has a stomach that churns so much it feels like a washing machine spin cycle.

Maybe I should use the disabled toilets, I certainly am considering it, but would I then face the backlash of not 'being disabled'.

Treating myself

When I was in Sainsbury's a couple of weeks ago I got one of those temptation vouchers. You know the ones..spend £20 on TU clothing and get 8p of a litre of fuel. 

Well I needed fuel, and thought that I needed a new pair of boots. Instead I am cuddled up in bed in some georgeous new fluffy PJ's which are slightly to short, and some fleecy slipper boots which I think I am going to need as this cancer must be serious.

I've just had to rearrange my whole week next week as I am going to be commuting to Guildford on Monday and Wednesday and then chemo starts next Thursday. 

This chemo is going to be different to before, and I promise to keep you updated every step of the way.