Cancer insomnia kicks in and pain prevents sleep

So, 2 days after diagnosis, cancer insomnia sets in. Actually that's a lie really it's not so much cancer related insomnia as pain prevents sleep.

And the beauty of this blog and my iPad is that I can blog when I feel like it and be honest.

Remember that, everything you read on here is the raw truth, there is no sugar coating, I tell it like it is. 

At the moment it's a roller coaster. 

On Wednesday , on my way back from toddlers with Hope, on my way to pick up Imogen I got a phone call. I was driving I ignored it. When I checked my voicemail it was St Luke's calling to ask me to arrange treatment. I thought I would have a week or so to get used to the idea that I was going to go through chemo hell again.

Nope, when in called them back it turns out they had had a cancellation and could I start next week.

Now starting chemo is not quite as easy as rocking up at the hospital and getting some drugs. 

My treatment actually started yesterday with my lovely blood transfusion. I needed to increase my blood count so I can actually tolerate the chemo. So I spent yesterday on the 6 th floor of Crawley hospital in a lovely private room, chilling with Hope and watching the planes take off at Gatwick.

This weekend the focus will be on reducing breastfeeding and getting Hope to take most of her feeds from bottles. I am hoping to do one last feed on Thursday morning, which will break my heart, but I know it is for the best.

On Monday I have to go to St Luke's to e nurse led clinic where they give you all the information that you need about your particular chemotherapy regime and what the side effects may be. This is the chance to ask any questions and I have a lot this time. The basic Macmillan info I have been given about my new regime looks intense and there are some inconsistencies with what I have read and what I have been told so I need to iron these out.

 I get Tuesday off, although Hotpoint are coming to fix my dishwasher which appeared on watchdog a couple of weeks as one that might potentially catch fire!!

On Wednesday it it back to Guildford, this time without Hope to get my PICC line fitted. You know, that annoying line that goes into my arm, under my skin and means no more baths, swimming or generally getting my arm wet for a long a time. Although I have decided that this time I am going to invest in something called a limbo Cover so I don't have to keep wrapping my arm up in cling film for a shower.

 Then Thursday, Tony, Hope and I will be starting my new chemo adventure, although I won't be able to feed Hope while I am having chemo I need my family with me for my first cycle. 

I am putting my body through all this again to kill these tumours so I can watch my children grow up and become parents. Watching my mum playing with the children today has scared me.

Because of the nature of these new tumours I am facing the very real (at 2.30am) possibility that I might not get to see my children get married or have children. I may never be a grandparent. I am trying to stay so strong for them, but this thought keeps creeping into my head and lodging there.

I know I can beat this, I have done it once, what I don't know is if I have the strength to beat it over and over again. If it comes back how many times can I keep fighting. 

If anyone knows, answers on a comment please. No postcards, the stamps are too expensive!!