Every cloud has a silver lining.

So, you probably want to know what happened. How I ended up spending 2 more days in hospital and getting yet another ambulance ride.

When I woke up yesterday morning, something wasn't right. I felt wobbly & drunk. I knew something was up, but hoped I'd be able to ride it out. In fact I thought I needed to eat something. My body had different ideas and decided what I needed was to collapse on the floor.

Before this happened I had had the presence of mind to make sure all my children were safe. Isaac and Imogen were eating their breakfast and I has put Hope into her highchair as I definitely did not want to fall on her. 

So I went into my kitchen to make my breakfast and collapsed. I do not know if I blacked out or not, but I can remember sitting on the stairs calling Tony telling him I had collapsed. This is where it gets scary. He told the ambulance crew later that he was not able to understand me. Luckily the children hadn't seen me on the floor. But this definitely worries me.

When he got home he helped me into the living room, then I really wanted something to eat, but my body was still rejecting that idea and as I was trying to make my toast I came over all wobbly again. I was definitely not dizzy. It was definitely more scary than that. Drunk or funny feeling, but not dizzy or light headed. 

So, he got on the phone to 111. They scared me slightly, they were asking me questions I think trying to ascertain whether I had had a stroke. No, I just felt wobbly and drunk. They decided yet again I needed an ambulance and so Tony helped me upstairs where I had another wobble and I waited. 

I'm sorry, Sonya, I was really looking forward to making cinnamon and raisin bread with Jake, Isaac and Imogen. Maybe next year. 

The ambulance arrived and the crew were in no doubt that I needed to be checked out in hospital. Imogen was not happy about this, but I gave her my chemo heart and she accepted that mummy needed to be made better.

So my blood count was 7.2, on Tuesday, before chemo, it was 11. There was something going on.

This time there was some unexplained bleeding, this has been investigated and has cleared up on its own although will need to be monitored. I have had 4 more units of blood and as I mentioned every cloud has a silver lining.

I came into hospital with one red and yellow sock for Hope for Christmas, 4 Father Christmas faces, 8 Father Christmas socks and 4 soles. I am leaving with 2 beautiful scandi inspired socks for Hope and 4 pairs of Father Christmas socks (2 pairs still require soles) and all 4 pairs require the finishing touches.

As well as that I have finished watching Ripper Street, and started my Breaking Bad journey. 

And very soon I shall be heading home for Christmas!!

Children and Cancer

So, how do you explain something as complicated and all encompassing as cancer to your children?

I've already faced this dilemma once. Isaac was 3 years and 1 month old when I had my first operation and Imogen was almost 17 months. We explained it to them that Mummy had had a baddy in her tummy and the Dr had to cut mummy open and take it out. We explained chemo in the same way. We didn't want mummy's baddy to come back, so the Dr was going to give mummy some special medicine that would make her feel poorly, but it would make sure the baddies didn't come back. My PICC line became my wiggley, because it kind of looks like a wiggley worm where it goes into my arm.

But now that the cancer is back and inoperable it is a far more sensitive and difficult subject to explain. 

When we sat down after their bath on October 15th 2013 to explain that mummys baddies had come back. Isaac immediately said

'Are they going to cut you open again and take them out?'

We were honest with him and told him 'No, mummy has more than one baddy and they can't take them out'

His face fell. You could see his 5 year old brain processing the fact that mummy was not going to be getting better so easily. So we explained that mummy would be able to have some more special medicine. But this time the special medicine would be working on the baddies to shrink them and make them shrivel up like the fruit that we sometimes forget to eat in the fruit bowl. This made sense to him and he now talks about how my baddies are going to shrivel up and explode (I don't correct him on the exploding bit, but I really don't want exploding tumours!!!)

Then there was the blood transfusion. Imogen loved the fact that I would be getting new blood so I didn't feel so dizzy and sleepy anymore. She went around telling everyone that mummy was getting new blood today!!

On Sunday though I got the cracker. 

Imogen had obviously been thinking about this a lot and while we were at Crawley Garden Centre, having cake and soft play she asked

'Mummy why do you get baddies and other people don't?'

Now for a 3 year 8month old that is quite deep.

So I racked my brains for a child friendly explanation of cancerous genetic mutations and came up with this explanation.

Mummy's body is like the instruction books for Isaac's lego. There are lots of instructions for how to do things. Mummy's body is missing a few pages and this means that her body doesn't know how to do everything and so mummy gets baddies. 

She processed this, and then said 'does the same thing happen to everyone when they get poorly' 

'Sometimes, but sometimes people get poorly because they don't wash their hands properly after they have a wee or they get a cut and some nasty things get in. But sometimes peoples instructions are missing pages and they get really sick'

I am so proud of how my children are coping with all that is thrown at them and how well they respond to our explanations and equally that they are not scared to ask questions. 

I would never hide the truth from my children and I hope you can see that you can be honest without scaring them.

Cancer insomnia kicks in and pain prevents sleep

So, 2 days after diagnosis, cancer insomnia sets in. Actually that's a lie really it's not so much cancer related insomnia as pain prevents sleep.

And the beauty of this blog and my iPad is that I can blog when I feel like it and be honest.

Remember that, everything you read on here is the raw truth, there is no sugar coating, I tell it like it is. 

At the moment it's a roller coaster. 

On Wednesday , on my way back from toddlers with Hope, on my way to pick up Imogen I got a phone call. I was driving I ignored it. When I checked my voicemail it was St Luke's calling to ask me to arrange treatment. I thought I would have a week or so to get used to the idea that I was going to go through chemo hell again.

Nope, when in called them back it turns out they had had a cancellation and could I start next week.

Now starting chemo is not quite as easy as rocking up at the hospital and getting some drugs. 

My treatment actually started yesterday with my lovely blood transfusion. I needed to increase my blood count so I can actually tolerate the chemo. So I spent yesterday on the 6 th floor of Crawley hospital in a lovely private room, chilling with Hope and watching the planes take off at Gatwick.

This weekend the focus will be on reducing breastfeeding and getting Hope to take most of her feeds from bottles. I am hoping to do one last feed on Thursday morning, which will break my heart, but I know it is for the best.

On Monday I have to go to St Luke's to e nurse led clinic where they give you all the information that you need about your particular chemotherapy regime and what the side effects may be. This is the chance to ask any questions and I have a lot this time. The basic Macmillan info I have been given about my new regime looks intense and there are some inconsistencies with what I have read and what I have been told so I need to iron these out.

 I get Tuesday off, although Hotpoint are coming to fix my dishwasher which appeared on watchdog a couple of weeks as one that might potentially catch fire!!

On Wednesday it it back to Guildford, this time without Hope to get my PICC line fitted. You know, that annoying line that goes into my arm, under my skin and means no more baths, swimming or generally getting my arm wet for a long a time. Although I have decided that this time I am going to invest in something called a limbo Cover so I don't have to keep wrapping my arm up in cling film for a shower.

 Then Thursday, Tony, Hope and I will be starting my new chemo adventure, although I won't be able to feed Hope while I am having chemo I need my family with me for my first cycle. 

I am putting my body through all this again to kill these tumours so I can watch my children grow up and become parents. Watching my mum playing with the children today has scared me.

Because of the nature of these new tumours I am facing the very real (at 2.30am) possibility that I might not get to see my children get married or have children. I may never be a grandparent. I am trying to stay so strong for them, but this thought keeps creeping into my head and lodging there.

I know I can beat this, I have done it once, what I don't know is if I have the strength to beat it over and over again. If it comes back how many times can I keep fighting. 

If anyone knows, answers on a comment please. No postcards, the stamps are too expensive!!