About this Blog

This blog started as an online diary and place for me to rant about annoyances in my family.

However since July it has become a place for me to catalogue and express my views and opinions on the treatment I have recieved following the diagnosis of a potentially cancerous tumor in my bowel.

On 3rd August 2011 I was told that it was cancerous. In April 2012 I was given the all clear.

October 15th 2013 I was diagnosed with peritoneal disease and liver metastases. The cancer was back and this time it is inoperable.

It is a little bit out of date as the NHS doesn't tend to have a WiFi connection in hospital and I can only post when I get home and posts take a while to write.

It is NOT about individuals or the nursing profession. It is about some of the inadequacies in the system and the way the NHS is failing some people.

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Sunday, 23 March 2014

5 year olds

It must be hard being 5 1/2.

You are no longer the youngest in the school, but doing proper learning, no more of this EYFS (early years foundation stage) learning through play. But reading, writing, science, literacy, numeracy & a whole host of other topics are covered over the typical week at school. 

If you are my 5 year old then there is another pressure on you. You aren't the baby and are expected to set an example to your younger siblings and behave in a way that proves one day you will be a responsible adult. You are learning the behaviours that are expected by society all the while battling the pressures placed on you by school (Micheal Gove has a lot to answer for here), your parents and your peers.

My 5 year old has another massive stress placed upon him. He knos his mummy is ill, his mummy has been ill since he was 3 years old. In all honesty he probably cannot remember what it was like to have a mummy who isn't ill. I know adults who are struggling to cope with my cancer diagnosis and the seriousness of it. We have never hid anything from the children so they too know how serious it is. At 5 years old this is mind blowing stuff. 

The way Isaac copes is outstanding. He is always smiling, and laughing. He has his moments. The big one at the moment is lying. Only little lies, for example 'did you sit on the windowsill and squash the coriander', 'No, mummy'. I know he did, I saw him do it, but he says he didn't, or he says Imogen did it. I cannot tell you how sad this makes me. 

Yesterday's squashed Corriander plant (how middle class does that sound!!!) was the final straw. I told him I knew he was lying, I had seen him do it and it made me so sad that he wouldn't tell me the truth. Then I couldn't help myself and I cried. I told him that he was making me so sad I was crying. Emotional blackmail, probably, but weeks upon weeks of 'Imogen did it', 'Hope did it,' or ' I didn't do it' had broken me. 

I'm not proud of the way I cried in front of him, nor of the way I lost my temper with him and sent him to his bedroom for 30 minutes. But it seems to have worked. 

This morning a light up balloon which Imogen got for her birthday was popped. When asked who did it (& I knew it was Isaac, Imogen loves balloons and gets distraught when they pop or deflate) Isaac owned up. 'It was me mummy, I'm sorry.' 

I gave him a hug and told him how proud I was of him for not lying and for owning up. 

Then we went to MacDonalds for breakfast as a treat.

Don't forget my children are trying to raise awareness of Bowel Cancer, by posting #bellyselfies, please get involved and post your children's #bellyselfies on social media too.

Baby Hopes Belly selfie
Isaac and Imogen's belly selfies
My belly selfie.