About this Blog

This blog started as an online diary and place for me to rant about annoyances in my family.

However since July it has become a place for me to catalogue and express my views and opinions on the treatment I have recieved following the diagnosis of a potentially cancerous tumor in my bowel.

On 3rd August 2011 I was told that it was cancerous. In April 2012 I was given the all clear.

October 15th 2013 I was diagnosed with peritoneal disease and liver metastases. The cancer was back and this time it is inoperable.

It is a little bit out of date as the NHS doesn't tend to have a WiFi connection in hospital and I can only post when I get home and posts take a while to write.

It is NOT about individuals or the nursing profession. It is about some of the inadequacies in the system and the way the NHS is failing some people.

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Saturday, 1 March 2014

Sacrifices

When you first pee on a stick and get that positive reaction you know your life is going to change beyond recognition. You know you are going to have to make sacrifices. 
No more long Saturday & Sunday lie ins with the papers and a huge bar of dairy milk. No more spur f the moment walking weekends to Scotland or the Lake District. Things need planning. 
However having a baby does not mean you have to sacrifice everything. 
Flicking back through thus blog will show you some of the amazing things we gave done with our children. Imogen went to her first music festival at 6 months old, we've been on scout & guide camps. Weeks in the open air with no distractions. My children gave  a healthy respect for outdoor cooking on open wood fires, they have been caving & to the home of scouting & guiding. They have celebrated girlguiding uk's centenary at he top of the London Eye. 
They are also well versed in British steam railway history, they love nothing better than the smell of coal and the slower pace of life illustrated by a steam train.
This is something you accept when you make the monumental decision to have children.

What I cannot accept at the moment is all the sacrifices I am having to make because of bloody cancer.

Everyday I have on this planet is now so precious to me, I am edging ever closer to that moment when my children and my husband will have to move on without me. The time I have left is all about creating memories. 

I did not ask for this. I did not ask to have my lifetime taken away from me. I did no ask to have to listen to unsympathetic doctors who have no idea of what you are living with, have no idea about the realities of living with death being just around the corner and the balancing act you play dealing with that and the demands of a running a household, with a very young family. 

Your life is no longer your own, it is dictated by hospital appointments, district nurse appointments, making sure you have enough pain relief or other drugs in the house or on you to ensure that you can get through another day without weeping in pain or snapping at the children because everything is just so exhausting. 

So today we created some beautiful memories for Imogen. I truly cannot believe that she has been in my life for 4 years. She is a whirlwind of tantrums and determination, of tenacity & love. Her smiles and intelligence are second to none and I would not have missed a moment of her life so far. 

The absolute delight I have experienced in being her mummy is incredible, from the way that she saved half her birthday presents on Thursday so that she could open some when daddy got home puts a lot of grown adults to shame. To the way that she chose her birthday party so carefully. Who would have thought that a group of 3 & 4 year olds would respond so positively to making & decorating biscuits and cupcakes this afternoon, but they did and I am pleased to say that there are some definite GBBO winners out there!!