Sacrifices

When you first pee on a stick and get that positive reaction you know your life is going to change beyond recognition. You know you are going to have to make sacrifices. 

No more long Saturday & Sunday lie ins with the papers and a huge bar of dairy milk. No more spur f the moment walking weekends to Scotland or the Lake District. Things need planning. 

However having a baby does not mean you have to sacrifice everything. 

Flicking back through thus blog will show you some of the amazing things we gave done with our children. Imogen went to her first music festival at 6 months old, we've been on scout & guide camps. Weeks in the open air with no distractions. My children gave  a healthy respect for outdoor cooking on open wood fires, they have been caving & to the home of scouting & guiding. They have celebrated girlguiding uk's centenary at he top of the London Eye. 

They are also well versed in British steam railway history, they love nothing better than the smell of coal and the slower pace of life illustrated by a steam train.

This is something you accept when you make the monumental decision to have children.

What I cannot accept at the moment is all the sacrifices I am having to make because of bloody cancer.

Everyday I have on this planet is now so precious to me, I am edging ever closer to that moment when my children and my husband will have to move on without me. The time I have left is all about creating memories. 

I did not ask for this. I did not ask to have my lifetime taken away from me. I did no ask to have to listen to unsympathetic doctors who have no idea of what you are living with, have no idea about the realities of living with death being just around the corner and the balancing act you play dealing with that and the demands of a running a household, with a very young family. 

Your life is no longer your own, it is dictated by hospital appointments, district nurse appointments, making sure you have enough pain relief or other drugs in the house or on you to ensure that you can get through another day without weeping in pain or snapping at the children because everything is just so exhausting. 

So today we created some beautiful memories for Imogen. I truly cannot believe that she has been in my life for 4 years. She is a whirlwind of tantrums and determination, of tenacity & love. Her smiles and intelligence are second to none and I would not have missed a moment of her life so far. 

The absolute delight I have experienced in being her mummy is incredible, from the way that she saved half her birthday presents on Thursday so that she could open some when daddy got home puts a lot of grown adults to shame. To the way that she chose her birthday party so carefully. Who would have thought that a group of 3 & 4 year olds would respond so positively to making & decorating biscuits and cupcakes this afternoon, but they did and I am pleased to say that there are some definite GBBO winners out there!!

Cancer, one year on

Ok, so not strictly one year on as I didn't get the final diagnosis til 3rd August.
But never the less this last week has been really hard for me. I have been coming to terms with the fact that this time last year we knew there was something wrong but not what. In the last year I have undergone 8 hellish cycles of chemotherapy, been told that potentially I might not be able to have any more children and have lived with the very, very real fear that this might come back. 


It is certainly easy to say think positive but I defy even the most positive of people to not have their down days. This week has been a down week. 


There have been some lovely memories made this week. The olympic torch arrived in Crawley and we headed down to see that. A friend actually got to carry the torch in East Grinstead and Tony managed to get his hands on it too. It has also been Isaac's last week at pre school. 


Now that is quite significant for me. In my downest moments last summer I occasionally thought that I wouldn't get to see him start pre school, let alone graduate. But I did, I fought the cancer and saw my brave little boy graduate from pre school, and now we have the next big adventure, Infant School. He is so excited about the new challenges and adventures ahead and so am I. I am entering the world of lost jumpers, reading books, homework and lunch boxes. On top of all of that I am so proud of the way that he has coped over the last year. I don't know if the children understood how significantly ill mummy was, but I do know that last summer was probably a bit of a let down for them.


So this year we are going to have the summer of our lives. 


Tomorrow we are off to Scout Camp for a week, then there will be at least one trip on the Bluebell Railway, the Tulleys Farm Maize Maze, hopefully some picnics with some very good friends who have supported me massively over the last year. Then there are 2 massively significant events. 


Beautiful days Number 10. Last year it was all I kept asking my surgeon 'Can I go, Can I go?' So we went, it was hard work but I felt normal. This year will be awesome. I am planning heart bunting, heart t shirts and a fab menu.


Then there is Jo's Jump for Beating Bowel Cancer. If you haven't sponsored her yet, I urge you too. I will be there, albeit on the ground cheering, taking photos and generally being there for her as she has been there for me over the last year.


Beating Bowel Cancer have been a huge support to me and continue to support me even now and every penny raised goes towards raising awareness of this disease.

A Journey with Bluebell

Before the assembly process began

So today was Isaac's fourth Birthday and as you may or may not know he is a bit of a train geek.
When he was asked what type of Birthday cake he wanted he originally asked for Stepney. OK I thought I can do this he wants a birthday cake shaped like an engine I can do this.


As his birthday got closer I suddenly had a panic, He actually wanted a birthday cake shaped like a steam engine!!! Yep, an actual steam engine. 


Then he moved the boundaries. The conversation went something like this.
Me " So, Isaac, it's your birthday party soon, do you still want a cake shaped like Stephney?"
Isaac "Mummy, I love the Bluebell Railway. Bluebell is my favourite engine, can you make a Bluebell cake?"
Me " So you'd like a cake shaped like Bluebell"
Isaac "Can I have 2 cakes? A Bluebell cake and an Archie cake?"
Me "Isaac you can have one birthday cake - Bluebell or Stepney?"
Isaac "Ok, I'll have Bluebell, Next year can you make me an Archie cake?"


So there you have it, my nearly (& now) 4 year old knows his own mind and wanted a Bluebell 323 engine cake.


So now came the logistics. Do you have any idea how many bits there are to an engine? 


Luckily we spend a lot of time at the Bluebell Railway and I have a lot of photos of Bluebell to compare and work from. We did go again and I did take a lot of photos so that I had things to work from.



 We started with the wheels. I was quite proud of this. I made, from scratch, 4 swiss rolls.
I had never made a swiss roll before and was really surprised as to how easy it was. I found the recipe here and they were very easy and so light when I had to eat the offcuts later!!










So after the wheels then there was the base board. I made a total of 6 sponge cakes to be able to manufacture this masterpiece.


The sponges were a basic 4 egg, 8oz of caster sugar, flour & margarine and baked for 20 minutes in a 180C oven. I used a square silicon pan and a rectangle one to give me shapes that I could cut easily and use to assemble.




Once the base was assembled and stuck together (I used buttercream for that) I had to cut the final swiss roll to form the boiler









I then used the rest of the rectangles and cut them into sections to form then cab and bunker. I sandwiched them together with buttercream and jam to provide some variety in the taste.
I also used 2 square offcuts to form the tanks on the side of the boiler.

The finished item before icing began

 As this was my first attempt at I cake I have to confess that I cheated a little with the icing. I used shop bought ready made icing in blue, black & red.
I used a circular cutter to make the wheel shapes and front of the boiler and rolled rectangles to cover the remainder of the cake. 


I had a slight panic when I ran out of blue icing and it took a while to find some more in Sainsburys.


I also used red around the bottom of the boiler & cab and above the wheels and coloured some white icing yellow to form the dome.

Leftover cake bits

 And here in all its blue, red, yellow and black glory is the finished product. I used ready made piping icing to add the detailing and because I couldn't write Bluebell small enough I wrote it on the cake board where I had planned to put Isaac's name and age

A small boy with the 'real' Bluebell

and with his birthday Bluebell

Some more toddler photography

By Imogen, say cheese mummy

So last week I blogged some of the childrens photos taken at the Bluebell Railway. I thought that that was quite fun and Isaac has kept asking if I can put more of his photos on a website. So rather than starting toddlerphotography.com (not available yet, although I am considering it!!!) I thought I would give you some more toddler photographic gems 

Imogens foot self portrait

Imogens photo of mummy & Isaac

Imogens action shot of Daddy

Isaacs photo of the trains on the Bluebell for Southern at War

Isaacs photo of the U boat at Southern at War

Take 2 toddlers

What do you get when you give a 2 year old and a 3 year old a camera each and access to the Bluebell railway engine shed, platforms and a range of rolling stock?

Fenchurch

As you can see, the results are interesting!! These photos have been taken by isaac and Imogen over the last year using a Kidizoom Plus (Here) and my Samsung PL50

Adams Radial Tank

If you know me or my children, you'll know that taking them to the Bluebell Railway is like taking them to the sweet shop. They adore it there. It is improved by the fact that Stepney lives there so they can go and see him whenever they want.

Think this is a C Class

Bluebell ( I think mummy or daddy might have helped here!)

Looking back through these makes me realise how proud I am of my children and what absolute sponges children are. 

Stepney

 

The Great Northern Railway Directors Saloon

 How many other 3 (or indeed 2 year olds) can tell you that thats not just a tank or tender engine pulling your train, but that it is a Standard 4 (Tank engine) or the U Boat (Tender Engine)

 

 

Bulleid Coaches and RMB

 How many will tell you that Sir Archibald Sinclair currently has boiler problems (boiler sludge according to Imogen) and is in 'the sodor steam works' Ok so Thomas has a lot to answer for.

 

The C Class

 Who am I to take this away from them?

The U Boat

 On the bad days when I can't seem to see where things are going and especially during chemo and my treatment I would remember the delight and absolute look of pleasure on their faces when we pull into Horstead Keynes car park and they realise where we are and what we are going to do.

 

 

 I feel incredibly privileged to have this amazing piece of history on my doorstep and will do my utmost to continue to provide this kind of education to my children.

 

 

 Apologies if you found this blog by looking for something steam train or heritage railway related, but remember my 2 toddlers are the future of heritage railways and we need to do everything we can to encourage their enthusiasm and passion for these fantastic pieces of engineering

STEPNEY AGAIN

Whoops, I missed....

recording the start of spooks on BBC One :( 


I have been extra busy this week. & if not thats what it feels like.


Cancer & it subsequent treatment does not just effect you. It effects everyone.


This week I rang to make the appointment to get my PICC line inserted (4th October)


In with the confirmation letter for that was the date of my first treatment (5th October).


Alongside all of that I had arranged a flu jab for 6th October as well as the preschool cake sale.


So I have spent the week trying to arrange things for my children. 


To have the PICC line inserted I have to be in Guildford for 10am. This means that I need to leave home by 08.15am at the latest. This, in turn, means that Tony has to be home from work by 8am so I can check traffic, petrol & probably move car seats. He in turn has to drop Isaac at the childminders at 09.30 and then look after Imogen until I get home. 


On the Wednesday Isaac has preschool form 09.30 - 12.30, my appointment is at 11am & I know that that is just to see the consultant, that is not the chemo itself which takes at least 2 hours from what I have been given to understand. It also has to be prepared on site.


So Wednesday looks like this. 

Take Imogen to childminder, take Isaac to preschool, tell preschool that childminder is picking Isaac up. Drive to Guildford (again), see consultant, Hang around waiting for chemo. Have chemo, drive home, collect children collapse exhausted onto the sofa.


Before all of this though it is my birthday. Tony did have it booked off, but now with all of this I have to spend it without my husband. So we did what any normal family would do.


Spent this weekend on 3 different steam railways celebrating.


We started on Friday night on the Bluebell Railway fish and chip train. I love these as do the kids and so we had fish and chips on the steam train.


On Saturday we travelled slightly further East and went on the Spa Valley Railway from Groombridge to Tunbridge Wells, back to Eridge and finishing in Groombridge. I was ever so good. I love Tunbridge Wells' mix of shopping and so could spend hours browsing and spending, but I didn't :)


& today I forfeited the end of the Grand Prix to take the kids to Goffs Park to have a go on the Light Railway they have there.

And now I am doing admin. Not for me admittedly but Rainbow admin & NCT admin and blogging ;)


And now to bed!!