Coming to terms with my changing body

I have posted a lot about the factors that led to me nagging my GP for every test under the sun to find out what was wrong with me. 

One of the big factors was weight loss. 

I have always been comfortable in my body. I have never dieted or religioùsly weighed myself ( apart from the 4 months before I got married when I used slim fast)

When I conceived Isaac in 2007 I was a size 18/20. I probably weighed about 100kg. However I was happy, I had no desire to loose weight, I did a lot of yoga, walked a lot and ate healthily. At 6' (1.8m) tall I carried it well. Ok, I was overweight but not scarily so.

After Isaac was born I lost some weight through breastfeeding. Yes, really, I did loose weight and then when Imogen was born in 2010 I lost more through breastfeeding and running around after a toddler. I was then between a 16/18, probably about 85-90kg. Still doing the yoga, not so much walking but eating a lot more healthily.

Fast forward to 2011 - more weight loss, people were starting to comment on it. I was doing nothing differently except for running around after 2 toddlers and using the car a lot less as petrol prices crept up and the Volvo drank fuel like it was water!!

I now know that the 2011 weight loss should have been a wake up call to get things looked at. I had a tumour growing inside me which was causing the weight loss. I was down to 80kg and a size 16.

Once I was diagnosed and started treatment things seemed to stabilise. I was a comfortable size 16 and celebrated getting the all clear with some new clothes. I felt good in my body, it had beaten cancer and survived 8 cycles of chemotherapy.

Then 4 short months later, even more amazingly I found out I was expecting baby number 3. At my booking in appointment with the midwife I weighed in at 81.2kg. However I did not have an easy pregnancy and clothes that fitted at the start of the pregnancy seemed to get bigger rather than smaller as I struggled to eat 3 meals a day due to a combination of sickness, pain and exhaustion. 

Once Hope was born I was back in my pre pregnancy jeans within days. I took Isaac to a birthday party on April 14th wearing size 18 jeans, that were too big.

Within a month of her birth I was buying jeans in a size 14. I was thrilled. According to my scales I was 75kg, and this meant I was no longer overweight. I was healthy. 

But the weight loss didn't stop there. By the time Isaac finished his first year at school the size 14's were too big and I was down to 70kg. I couldn't afford  to buy more new clothes. When you are as tall as me, you can't just nip to primary and pick up a few cheap pairs of jeans unless you want them to end mid calf. Charity shops are out too, there aren't generally tall ranges in them. 

Over the summer I tried to eat better. But I couldn't keep the weight on. By the time Isaac went back to school I was 60kg. I had lots of positive comments from people about how lucky I was to be loosing so much weight, how well I looked and what was my secret. Luckily these were people who didn't know me well. The people that know me knew how worried I was.. The tests weren't showing anything. Clear colonoscopies, clear CT scans, clear blood tests. But something was wrong. 

I hated my body now. Clothes hung off me. I looked gaunt and, to me, ill. The Ruth looking back at me was not someone I knew.. I was half the women I used to be. I joked a lot about feeling like a Trainspotting extra, a drug addict. I could fit my belt around me twice. The only benefit was I could occasionally go bra less (not that I did, I was still breastfeeding, but I did not need the support offered by my 38GG feeding bras, I actually got re measured in Debenhams as a 32E and had perky boobs again).

The cancer reappearing has been a blessing in disguise. I knew what was wrong. I was not imagining it. I really was proper poorly. This raised new issues for me. I started to realise that I wasn't going to put all the weight back on. 

In my new Box of Love was an envelope. I picked it up when we went across to Cardiff as I thought I might need cheering up. When I opened it on Friday night I was stunned. Several people had clubbed together a got me a voucher for Next. I couldn't wait to spend it. Imogen, Hope and I went shopping in Cardiff. We got something for each of the girls and then gleaned directions to Next. I'd decided I would get at least one pair of jeans, which I did, in a size 12. They were a little too big but I hoped I would put some of the weight back on. I also got a scarf and some long sleeved tops for layering as I knew that the chemo, cancer and weight loss were going to mean I was cold a lot. To the people that bought me that voucher, you know who you are. The thoughtfulness was amazing. You made me come to terms with my changing body.

I've been picking up a few more bits and pieces now. Mostly PJ's as they are comfy and multi purpose. I tend to put them on as soon as I know I don't have to go out again in the afternoon.

I still have a way to go before I am comfortable in my body though. Being slim, makes me feel taller and seems to make people more aware of my height. Today I went into Next and thought I would try some skinny jeans. I was not ready for that. A size 10 gaped at the back and was baggy around the thighs, as well as making my legs look like matchsticks. 

I'll be sticking to cosy PJ's and boyfriend fit jeans for now.

Moving forwards

Earlier this week following my disappointing colonoscopy, I managed to get one of those rare things, A same day GP appointment. I don't quite know how I managed it? I wasn't on the phone constantly pressing redial at 8am when the lines opened, instead I called about 9.10, when we got back from dropping Isaac at school and was able to get an appointment for later that morning.

Please don't hate me.

Why did I feel the need to go back to the GP? Well, I weighed myself again & was shocked to say the least, ready for it??

58.4kg, that's under 9.5stone, that definitely makes me underweight. It means I've lost about a stone in the last 6 weeks. This shouldn't have happened, I've been eating better - jacket potatoes, salad, soup, chilli, tuna and lots of fruit - plums, apples, pears, melon, grapes, bananas.

When I walked into the GP's room he took one look at me and made me stand on the scales. Finally someone agreed with me.

'There is definitely a problem he said.

We talked some more about my bowel issues, the clear colonoscopy, the referral for an endoscopy.

He agrees with me that my body is not processing something. He kept mentioning malabsorption issues. I bought up the coeliac connection and he has agreed to test for it, alongside a plethora of other blood tests and stool samples.

So, my endoscopy letter came today, it's on Friday. Not sure whether to go for the local anaesthetic or the sedation again? I am inclined to go for sedation given the discomfort I experienced when having an NG tube inserted almost 2 years ago. 

Blood tests are also on Friday, it does take a couple of weeks for results, but hopefully we are moving towards some answers.

Colonoscopy round 2

At 7.15 yesterday morning Tony dropped me off at the hospital for another go with the colonoscopy. 

Having been up most of the night with the preparation going on, the moment I walked through the doors I HAD to go. If I had known how much of a problem this was going to cause later on, I would have rather waited. Alas hindsight is a marvellous thing.

I got to the unit and gave my name, was asked where my baby was and then took a seat. A this point Tony was dropping the 2 bigger children off with childcarers who would be able to look after them and drop them off at school etc. 

After about 45 minutes waiting I was called to meet my anaesthetist who was lovely and went through a few questions about me and my history. We talked about my crappy veins and she reassured me that this would not be a problem. 

I went back into the waiting room and then was called to be admitted by a HCA. Again the bowel related urgency struck and I needed to go. She gave me a sample pot, and I really tried, but having not drunk anything since about midnight, all I could produce was bowel motions. 

I went into her room and went through all the questions again. I mean the NHS could be so much more efficient if one person did this rather than the 3 that I eventually saw, who went through the same thing. She told me that I really needed to try and produce a sample.

About 9am Tony & Hope arrived, as the anaesthetist had told me I was first on the list I decided to feed Hope fairly soon. Just after I had finished feeding her I was called to meet the consultant who would do the procedure. I signed all he consent forms and was told to change into a hospital gown and the lovely stockings. 

Then a nurse came in and told me I couldn't go until I had passed urine. At this point I had tried three times and was not able to pass urine. I couldn't understand why it was so important and told her I had passed urine when I entered the hospital as due to the colonoscopy prep I had had to go, and was not able to produce anymore.

As I was explaining this, the nurse walked out of the room and I could overhear her talking to a colleague about how I was shouting and abusing her. I DID NOT SHOUT AND I CERTAINLY WASN'T ABUSING HER. I had calmly pointed out that this was stressful for me due to having just fed my baby because I knew I was due to go up, and I could not always produce urine on demand. 

Eventually, probably about an hour later, someone else, I don't know who she was, came in and told me I had to pass urine. I explained I couldn't. All they wanted to know was whether I could be pregnant. I can definitely confirm there is no way I am pregnant. All someone had to do was ask. 

Eventually I was taken up to theatre and met my anaesthetist again.

She couldn't find a vein, so gave me some lovely gas, which I took three puffs and  I was out. 

I woke up in recovery, with a cannula in the crook of my elbow and a lovely nurse checking all my vital signs.

I was eventually reunited with Tony and Hope, who had refused the bottle he offered her, and then the consultant came round.

I'm still processing what he told me.

My colon is clear, no problems, nothing to worry about. But he did take some biopsies for microcollitis.

We had a bit of a chat about my symptoms and he is referring me for an endoscopy, to check my stomach, but he agrees something is definitely  wrong with the way my body is processing my food.

In the meantime I am the proud owner of a photo of the inside of my colon!!

Thinking outside the box

Thank goodness for managers and people who can think outside the box. I'll elaborate more in a second.

On Saturday I had my colonoscopy pre assessment appointment. This was basically a tick box exercise which I found very unsatisfactory. The lack of understanding about breastfeeding amongst healthcare professionals never ceases to amaze me. 

The nurse who completed my assessment was very dismissive of my need to breastfeed Hope before & after the procedure and TOLD me that anaesthetics and breastfeeding don't mix, you have to express or give formula. When I told her that wasn't really an option as Hope resists the bottle I was told that I'd probably have to wait until I'd finished breastfeeding as you CAN'T feed for 48 hours after a general anaesthetic. 

I questioned this as I know people have babies under general anaesthetic and feed pretty much straight away and was told that doesn't happen!! 

The appointment was left that she would speak with an anaesthetist and call me on Monday.

Monday came and went & no phone call. Today I was gearing myself up to call, when my phone rang. 

It was the endoscopy department. After confirming who I was she launched straight into her rant.

'We need to know whether you are having your colonoscopy on 17th as we have been told you refuse to stop breastfeeding'

Wow, talk about confrontational. I stopped her at this point. 

I am not refusing to stop breastfeeding, I was waiting for a phone call to confirm whether a suitable anaesthetic was available for me as a breastfeeding mother. 

She told me...I am not a clinician, but no anaesthetic is suitable for breastfeeding you have to express for 48 hours or give formula. 

Again I said that I thought this was not correct and would like to see what an anaesthetist said.

She reluctantly agreed and I prepared to vent my spleen on here about how breastfeeding unfriendly my local hospital was, when the phone rang.

It was the manager of the pre assessment unit, she was not interested in ticking boxes, but interested in working with me to find a solution. 

I explained what I saw happening, so that we could make this work. It's simple really.

Tony & Hope come with me, I feed before I go under, Tony & Hope wander around the hospital, I come round and pump, dump, then feed. 

Fine, she said no problem. 

In reality, I have to be at the hospital for 7:30 so, we will all go to the hospital and drop me off, Tony will bring all three children back and drop them at respective childcarers, then come back, see where I am and follow the plan.

All I can say is thank heavens for managers who have common sense and can think outside the very narrow boxes the NHS seems to use.

Today's dramas!!

So, at 5:10 this morning my beautiful little girl decided that it was time to get up for the day. This is alongside me running backwards and forwards to the toilet all night.

I fed her, she was definitely not going back to sleep so we watched some Airline USA, there is really nothing on other than news at that time in the morning!!

About 5:45 I went and put the kettle on in preparation for my final drink of citramag. 

By 6:45 it was ready to drink and I sat back and thought positive thoughts and it stayed down. I chased it with some water and sat back and waited. 

By 9am, we were all ready to leave, big two breakfasted, laundry hanging on the line, multiple toilet stops completed, you get the drift!!

We dropped the big two at grandmas house and headed to the hospital. 

Little one decided tactics at this point were to scream her way to the endoscopy department as suddenly she was starving.

I booked in, fed Hope and started waiting. The nurse called me in about 10:45 and went through all my details. He also tried to insert a cannula.

I asked him if I could wait in the waiting room and have about 10 minutes notice before my procedure so I could feed Hope again. 

Back in the waiting room, we watched some more BBC daytime TV and waited. About 11:40 I got my 10 minute warning so attempted to feed Hope and waited.

And waited, 40 minutes later I still hadn't gone in so fed her again and checked with the receptionist what the situation was. Then my nurse left, clutching a bag of carrot sticks!!

A different nurse then came out and seemed slightly confused about where I was and despite me being pointed out twice by the receptionist still seemed slightly confused. 

The next bit is slightly surreal, I had not been sedated, but felt fairly sure this new nurse was one sandwich short of a picnic. As we walked up to the treatment room he kept staring at me, finally I asked him why. 

'I have never seen a women as tall as you'  he said. I mean WTF, talk about random!!

I won't fill you in on the details of the procedure, mostly as i can't remember, but unfortunately it was not very successful. 

It appears I had double the amount of sedation and was sucking on the gas and air like it was going out of fashion. But due to my surgery I have a very twisty colon which means that I cannot tolerate the procedure like normal people and am now going to have to go through the preparation all again to have the procedure under a general anaesthetic.

So, having finally got a bit of sleep this afternoon, I am facing another weekend in the not to distant future cleansing my colon and another 4-5 hours waiting and waiting.

Really bowel cancer and its subsequent complications never end.

Colonoscopy prep, this might be graphic!!

So, at 2pm today operation preparation began.

The 10 senna tablets went down during the first episode of 24 series 8 that I had decided to watch to pass the time and keep me close to the toilet. 

Coupled with the copious amounts of water I have been forcing myself to drink this kept me on the loo for a while, although things were not really moving as well as I wanted. 

Come 4.30 I went and put the kettle on for the preparation of the citramag (ok I lie, Tony actually did it, but I went and made the stuff). After letting it cool for the requisit 30 minutes I attempted to drink it, which I managed. And then added more water into the mix, as well as a strained vegetable cuppa soup. 

This had the effect of making me feel very bloated and almost looking pregnant again!! 

Come 7pm it was time for more citramag, which my loving husband prepared and delivered to me. I took one sip and that was it, I knew that this was not staying down and boy was it not staying down.

Other than returning to bed to briefly feed Hope I have been vomiting & defecating with alarming regularity and ease for the last two hours.

I have missed Dragons Den ( thank goodness for BBC iPlayer) and am now trying to catch up on Dexter, but having missed the last two episodes and with no time for a sky plus catch up, I have no idea what is going on.

Things appear to be calming down now, and hopefully I can settle down and get some sleep in.

Send me sleep vibes please ;)

My body has given up

Since December 2007 I have either been pregnant, breastfeeding or battling cancer and as a result I think my body may have decided it is time to throw in the towel.

No, no, I am not dying but there are a lot of things wrong with my body and I am annoyed that in this quick fix era there is no quick fix for the human body.


Before Hope was conceived I was a comfortable dress size 16. I was happy with this and had started running and doing yoga to try and tone up some of those Mummy Wobbly bits, but was not planning on loosing any more weight. Fast forward to today. I am wearing a pair of size 14 jeans that I bough when Hope was 6 weeks old and they are too big. I have lost at least 15 kgs since she was conceived and I am worried. 

I know that this statement puts me at odds with the vast majority of my sex. Most women would kill to loose weight without having to watch what they eat and excersise, but not me. I have never worried about my weight. Other than 3 months before my wedding where I used slimfast to try and loose a few pounds I have never dieted. Yet, I cannot keep weight on at the moment. I look in the mirror and see an ill looking stranger looking back at me. According to the NHS BMI calculator here I am healthy, but I was also healthy when I was 15kgs heavier and I was also a lot happier.

Add to the unexplained dramatic weight loss all the other health complaints I am suffering and you would be forgiven for thinking that I am on a one woman campaign to use every bit of the NHS!!

I am still having physio for the back pain which came on when I was pregnant.

Then there is the bowel stuff

If you do not like poo related discussions you might want to stop reading now :)

Since having Hope my bowels have become somewhat unpredictable again. I almost feel like I have regressed to how they were acting post surgery. It is explosive, unpleasant smelling, urgent and frequent. Combined with incredible bloating & stomach cramps like I have never experienced before my GP has been able to refer me for another colonoscopy (on Monday so I am starting my preparation tonight) and I have seriously considered cutting things out of my diet.

No, scratch that I have cut something out of my diet. On Wednesday I made the decision that the agony I have been suffering after a sandwich is something not worth the pain so I have decided to cut out gluten/wheat. Actually I do feel better for it. But it is unscientific as I have no diagnosis to confirm whether or not I need to do this. But it does help. 

What doesn't help is this TV advert which has me crazing a large slice of hot buttered home made toast and marmite.

But hopefully come September we will have some answers or some tablets and I will be able to move further away from the toilet!!!

Be loud, be clear

This week is all about raising awareness about bowel cancer. Reading other peoples blog posts on this made me wonder how long I have been living with this without knowing. This post is going to look back over the last few years and point out some of what I believe were indicators which I ignored, or put down to other things. Let's go back almost 2 years to when I gave birth to Imogen. Something wasn't right in my nether regions. I can vividly remember going to my 6 week postnatal check and telling the doctor I felt that everytme I opened my bowels it felt like I was passing a hedgehog. That is the best way to describe some of the pain I was in. Sometimes it would take a long time to come and the pain would be quite long lasting. One time on the way to Somerset to visit my family I went to the toilet at Fleet and was still in pain when we left the A303 and joined the A358. For those of you whose geography is not to good, that's about 2 hours of pain. Not excruciating, unbearable pain, but the kind of niggling pain that you are aware of. Going back to the 6 week postnatal check, the GP had a look (not something I enjoy,but something I have experienced a lot over the last 2 years) and diagnosed simple piles. The solution - lactulose. This is supposed to work by softening your stools making them easier to pass. It did, but there was still pain. So I went back to the GP. Saw a different GP this time. I remember him being impressed with Imogen's sucking blister as she was about 10-12 weeks old. He was also impressed I was still breast feeding. But that is a whole other story. He had a look (see not even 6 months in and 2 people have had a look!!). He diagnosed a rectal tear and pescribed a rectal ointment which gave me incredible headaches about 25 minutes after applying, not good when you have a not yet 2 year old and maybe 3 month old baby. The rectal appointment worked, but I had to use it for about 6 weeks so kept on going back for repeat prescriptions. Now I am wondering whether the intermittant bleeding might have been an early warning sign. To be frank here this probe has been around for the last two years and in the end I tarted to just accept that I would get a bit constipated, pass some very painful stools and then things would clear up. Over the remainder of 2010 things settled then flared up and the settled down again. Towards the end of 2010 or the start of 2011 I spoke to my little sister, who was training to be a nurse about that fact that sometimes I would be constipated in the morning, but have unbelievably loose bowels in the evening. At the time she saidnothing. Since then she has said that it did raise some red flags for her, but she was dealing with her own issues at the time. Following our car crash in February, I started too notice a few other health problems. 1. I was loosing weight. Not massive weight dropping off me but enough that some of my clothes were starting to get lose. Several people commented on it. I assumed it was down to the fact that I was walking a lot and eating healthily with 2 toddlers to encourage to eat. 2. I was getting dizy spells. Sometimes when I stood up too quickly which is common if your blood pssure is low. However these were not exclusive events. Sometimes I would almost black out when hanging the washing out, or standingat the hob. Another thing that was not ideal with 2 young children. 3. Stomach and bowel problem were getting worse. Not only was I having constipation and loose stools in the same day at least one every couple of weeks, but the stomach pains that went with them were immense. I would be doubled over Iain. A couple of people have asked how I knew they weren't period pains.lets leave it with as a woman you know. 4. Finally the breathlessness. Pushing a pushchair with two toddlers is hard enough work, but I remember taking the children to Wakehurst and being absolutely exhausted so much so that they fell asleep in the car and whe we got home I fell asleep in the car too. Towards the end of May things came to a head on camp with Anthony's scout troop. I was camping with two toddlers at the tool of a massive hill and had horrendous diarrhoea and vommitting. But still I put off going to the GP. Eventually after another 6 weeks I finally managed to get a child free day and a doctors appointment on the same day. The outstanding diagnosis - low blood pressure and come back for blood tests next week. I never made it to those blood tests, by then I had been admitted to hospital and was causing a lot of medical professionals a headache. So, in hindsight, what would I have done? It seems such a easy thing to say but I would have badgered my GP. I would have gone every month and made a fuss about the pain I was in, the discomfort I was experiencing and I would not have taken no for an answer. If I knew the what I know now about bowel cancer and complications I would have lived at my GP surgery until I got investigations and knew why things were so bad. What do I want you to do? If there is anything worrying you about your bowel habits please go to the GP. Yes it might be cancer, but it moght not and if it is you want it caught it early so you don't go through the uncertainty that it have over the last 6 months.

July 13th - The Colonoscopy

I spent most of Tuesday night up and down like a yo yo, and consequently was not too bothered about the noise on the ward and the new additions.


The day started as normal with 'obs', which consist of blood pressure, O2 SATS, temp and pulse measurements & then later on 'meds' obviously medication.


I kept asking what time the colonoscopy was scheduled for but just kept getting told that it was this morning. Now this is pretty frustrating as if I had been an outpatient I wouldn't have been expected to just turn up when the department opened at 9am and waited. 


Eventually the call came and rather than a porter this time I was escorted down to the department by a lovely healthcare assistant and the ward sister. This was after I had changed into a lovely hospital gown. 


The only time I have worn a hospital gown was when I gave birth to Isaac and then you put it on back to front to enable easy access for breastfeeding, skin to skin and all the other things that are important when having a baby. 


I put the gown on, they are rather tight around the neck, snuggled into the bed to protect my modesty and sat back to enjoy the ride. Yep, that's right I loved this part of being in hospital. I never had to get out of bed and I loved it, it meant you could sleep anywhere and had all the people wondering what was wrong with you. 


So we headed down to the endoscopy department and navigated all the corridors and doors and lifts and headed into a cubicle where I had to look over all the paperwork. Finally one of the healthcare professionals came in to discuss the procedure with me. At this point I explained my bad experiences with concious sedation and they were quite sympathetic and offered me a local anaesthetic instead, I was very greatful for this although I think this did lead to more discomfort.


I shall stop there and not tell you about the procedure. If you want to know about colonoscopy's google it!!


Once they had finished they let me know that they had removed a small Polyp and sampled a larger one which was causing an obstruction.


I was taken back to the ward, although by whom I can't quite remember.


I definitely had quite a long sleep after lunch, although what I ate is slightly hazy!!


Shortly after I woke up I had my visit from the kids, Tony and as an extra treat my mum. She had come over from Somerset to help look after the kids as the consultant had been very determined that I wasn't to go home until I had some help to look after them as I wouldn't be able to look after them fully due to the nature of the problem.


While they were all there, the staff nurse came round and said that the doctor was there to see me and did mum want to take the kids off for a few minutes.


This was when the bombshell broke. 


There was no easy way to say it. I remember reaching for Tonys hand and and holding it and squeezing it while he said (& I can remember exactly)


'its not good news, we've found a tumor obstructing your bowel and taken biopsies to determine whether it is cancerous or benign'


My world fell apart. I am 31 years old and am being told that I potentially have bowel cancer.


They explained that the next step was to wait for the results to come back and then they would be discussed in the meeting amongst the consultants, surgeons and associated personnel on the following Tuesday and I would have an appointment the following Wednesday to determine what the follow up treatment would be.


They left then and the staff nurse came back in and asked if we needed anything. We asked her to go and find mum and the kids so that we could tell them the news. 


How do you explain to a three year old that mummy has a potentially cancerous tumor?


When they came in we got them to sit on the bed and explained that the Dr's had found something in mummys tummy and that they had taken lots of pictures to find out what it was but that it would take some time to look at all the pictures and find out what it was.


Then the best news of all. I could go home. They gave me tramadol (a nice strong pain killer) and told me that I would have to call on Monday to find out when my appointment was on Wednesday. If I had any problems in the meantime it would be worth calling the hospital as well.


And then I was home and had to start telling people.

I called all my family and explained what I had been told.


There was a tumor in my bowel that was obstructing it. Biopsies had been taken and the results would be back in a week. It was probably going to require surgery to remove it.


That was it. I was home. 

What a week - THE BOMBSHELL - Part 4 - Monday 11th July & Tuesday 12th July

As this is now so far behind I have to put some dates on this so that you know when I am writing about.


Monday started the same as every other morning in hospital, ie someone trying to take my blood pressure at about 6am. I think I may have told them to 'leave me alone as it was obvious I wasn't dead'.


We were still no closer to figuring out what was wrong and eventually the entourage came about and told me what was happening.


There was an area of inflammation on my bowel in and in order to find out what it was they wanted to do a colonoscopy and get some samples for a biopsy.


I thought that meant I would get a bit of a break then until a porter showed up for me. It appeared that after all the fighting that had happened over the weekend I was going for another CT scan, this time of my chest. 


This was good news for me but there was a woman on the ward who had been bleating since her admission on Saturday about going for a CT scan of her lungs. The look she shot me was unbelievable!!


Once I got back I finally got a hot meal. I can honestly say that the Shepherds Pie had never tasted so good, even if it was only luke warm and a little bit 'crusty'


Tony and the kids came in later on again and we had lots of fun playing on the bed and colouring in. At one point I overheard one of the women complaining about Isaac's thumb sucking, and wondered whether she would have the guts to say anything to me about it. 


More sandwiches for tea and then more visitors. 


I then decided to have a look at the booklet and information about the colonoscopy that one of the staff nurses had given me earlier on. I started to worry at this point. Specifically about the sedation that they use to do the prodecure. They use a type of anaesthetic called concious sedation. I had had this before when I had a wisdom tooth removed and did not like it at all. The only way I can describe it is like loosing parts of your memory. Crucially 'parts' of your memory. You can remember some things then you have a gap and that was what I didn't like. 


And so to sleep.


Tuesday was pretty boring. You can only have clear fluids before a colonoscopy. However it is not nil by mouth. You can have black tea and coffee (bonus, I only drink black tea and coffee), clear soup - I think this means that they take the normal soup and sieve all the bits out because it definitely tasted of something, and best of all JELLY!! Thanks to all my Facebook and twitter friends I also had a lot of forbidden suggestions as well - Gin, Vodka etc.
You also have to 'clear out' the less said about that the better, after all this is a public blog and things cannot be deleted from the internet!!


I had my visit again and this time actually left the ward to walk Tony and the kids back to the exit. When I got back to the ward the 'windy geriatric' asked to have a word with me. She accused me of being a negligent mother for allowing Isaac to suck his thumb and Imogen to suck her fingers. According to her it was unhygenic, not nice to be done in public. When I politely told her it was none of her business she told me that it was her business when I was 'neglecting' my children's health. I reiterated that it was none of her business and she kept shouting that it was. Eventually one of the health care assistants had to come and tell her to calm down and leave me alone.


That definitely made me more determined that I was going home tomorrow whatever the outcome of the colonoscopy. 


They say lots of things about KARMA and I like to think that was what happened about 9pm when the 'windy geriatric' was moved from the ward to the 'discharge lounge' because she was able to go home. 


I didn't get much sleep on Tuesday night - partly due to nerves about the colonoscopy and for other reasons that are best not discussed here.