About this Blog

This blog started as an online diary and place for me to rant about annoyances in my family.

However since July it has become a place for me to catalogue and express my views and opinions on the treatment I have recieved following the diagnosis of a potentially cancerous tumor in my bowel.

On 3rd August 2011 I was told that it was cancerous. In April 2012 I was given the all clear.

October 15th 2013 I was diagnosed with peritoneal disease and liver metastases. The cancer was back and this time it is inoperable.

It is a little bit out of date as the NHS doesn't tend to have a WiFi connection in hospital and I can only post when I get home and posts take a while to write.

It is NOT about individuals or the nursing profession. It is about some of the inadequacies in the system and the way the NHS is failing some people.

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Monday, 18 November 2013

Dear Imogen

Imogen is 3 years 9 months old. In the short time she has been alive she has been through so much. 
A week before her first birthday we were rear ended and the car written off. We all took our first trip in an ambulance then.
6 months later, her mummy was admitted to hospital again via ambulance and she had to stop breastfeeding cold turkey. I order to get her to sleep without the comfort of breastfeeding Tony had to use controlled crying and I carried it on when I was discharged. I posted about at the time about how that made me feel.
Mummy then had to have special medicine (chemo),which was very well timed as her second birthday fell 2 days before the final session.
Now mummy's cancer has returned.

Throughout it all she, like Isaac has taken it all in her stride. She accepts that mummy is poorly and cannot do all the fun things she used to do. She asks the most insightful questions as well. 
She wanted to know why I got baddies and other people didn't. She then linked that to when she got her UTI and said that she had missing instructions - I've explained that her UTI was due to bugs, not missing instructions. But today we were talking about a friend whose daughter has type 1 diabetes and Imogen asked if it was a bug or missing instructions. SHE IS 3. She should not be worrying about this.

Throughout everything she has been through I am constantly amazed by how intelligent and thoughtful she is. Like with Isaac I am so proud as to how she has coped with all she has had thrown at her in her short life.

Today as we walked home from school she was telling me that when she is old enough to be a mummy she will have 2 children, a boy and a girl because that is just right and I can be the fun grandma and take them to do all the fun things that I do with her and Isaac. 

At this point my heart was breaking. My tumours are inoperable. I do not know if I will be around to see my grandchildren, but I can't let her know this. I asked her what fun things does she like the best.

It turns out the funniest thing we do is going to Crawley Garden Centre for soft play, then up to Maidenhead Aquatics to feed the fish. Never fear she also thinks going to the Bluebell is fun, but her and her babies daddy will take her children there!!

Today Imogen, I want to tell you I am sorry. Sorry that I might not be around to do fun things with your children, sorry that my body has failed so spectacularly before you were two and you spent so much time visiting me in hospital and sorry if I have passed on the faulty genes to you.

I love you, and am so proud of you, please forgive me.