About this Blog

This blog started as an online diary and place for me to rant about annoyances in my family.

However since July it has become a place for me to catalogue and express my views and opinions on the treatment I have recieved following the diagnosis of a potentially cancerous tumor in my bowel.

On 3rd August 2011 I was told that it was cancerous. In April 2012 I was given the all clear.

October 15th 2013 I was diagnosed with peritoneal disease and liver metastases. The cancer was back and this time it is inoperable.

It is a little bit out of date as the NHS doesn't tend to have a WiFi connection in hospital and I can only post when I get home and posts take a while to write.

It is NOT about individuals or the nursing profession. It is about some of the inadequacies in the system and the way the NHS is failing some people.

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Tuesday, 26 November 2013

Words

There are a lot of 'words' associated with cancer and it's treatment that all mean different things to different people.

They can be quite definitive. 

Terminal, treatable, manageable, operable, all clear, remission.

They can be ambiguous.

Inoperable, manageable, treatable, prognosis, reoccurrence.

Some of these words can cover both options and it depends on your outlook on life as to how you see them.

I have never known whether I see the glass as half empty or half full, mostly I am gagging for a drink and there is a drink so I'll have it. And with my treatment it is a bit like that.

My oncologist has not mentioned that word terminal, so to me that means at the moment the cancer is treatable. But it is inoperable. How long does inoperable cancer remain treatable. Am I going to come to a point where I say 'No, I can't take anymore treatment'. I have put enough poison in my body lets just let it run it's course. 

Will my body be strong enough to take course after course of chemotherapy, killing the white blood cells? I've lost so much weight already, can I tolerate more and more weight loss and equally the side effects associated with the weight loss and chemotherapy.

So, yes at the moment my cancer is treatable, manageable (to a certain degree) but inoperable.

But there will come a day when it isn't. 

I don't know when that will be. I will fight for as long as I can. I will keep going for my children. 

And living with that insecurity and doubt is one of the hardest things I have to do on a daily basis.